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when i was 12 yrs old and told someone i was being raped everyday, it was not believed because i was a good student and a good kid. when i was 14 and asking for help with drug addiction and alcoholism, i was not believed because i was too smart and had so many things going for me. i am 43 now and asking for help with depression and gambling addiction and not taken seriously because i go to work, help other people, haven't lost my home or my husband and seem to function as normally as everyone el
its not even a struggle anymore. i dont bother with how i feel, i just do. im tired. life is good for the most part. loving husband. easy job. home is paid for and i am surrounded by so many animals that make me smile every time i interact with them. these feelings must be chemical or something. i just have flashes of moments when i hear, whats the point? the torments in my head are completely different than the life i live. i feel the need to just dig in there and carve all that stuff ou
Thunderstorms are finally drifting into the area. I got more than a couple hours of sleep today so I am busy doing things at work tonight. I've changed bulbs and installed hardware and soon I will begin the daily chores of picking up and setting up for the new day. I've had an opportunity to be human for a little while today and talk to people other than the thoughts in my head about things that are happening in their world and ours. My struggles are simple really compared to someone who is stru
I am trying to come to terms with feelings I may have and not be aware of in my own head. For the most part when I deal with things that have happened to me, my motto has always been, "it made me who I am and I am not too bad." I have made my life a success by the standards of my youth and I am happy, comfortable and safe most of the time. I am usually the 'rock' where ever I might be. At work or at home, I am to one with the answers, the decisions, the matriarch of my surroundings. Sometimes, o
Fall brings that wonderfully crisp clean air that makes everything feel new and wholesome again. The brisk air is cool and refreshing with the comforting scent of woodburning stoves and hearty comfort foods while the gentle rain washes away the dirt and sweat of summer and brings the grass back to life for a few more barefoot strolls across nature's perfect carpet. Warm and cozy jackets snuggle us in the evening and that favorite blanket comes out of storage. The landscape becomes a work of art
Disappointed I'm at work but thankful still that I have a job. life is seeming a little normal lately and I'm really enjoying it. Down to one job now with a few extra hours available to help out at home. Hubby is hubby. Some days are good for him and other days he struggles in silence. I worry about his depression but I have to remind myself I can only do so much for him and the rest he has to reach out for himself. He is a good and kind man that deserves to be happy and carefree but frankly, I
It seems like when things seem so overwhelming a tiny little miracle happens to help make it to the next day. Sometimes that miracle is as simple as being able to offer a little help to someone who is stuck as well. Sometimes it means just listening and sometimes it means saying anything that lets them know they aren't going it alone. Sometimes it means letting them work through it and sometimes it means getting their mind off of the terrible stuff and on to something lighter. Sometimes it is as
Some memories are haunting me tonight. Back when payphones still existed, I was 14. I walked to the store to get a pack of cigarettes and to call a crisis line. My step-father had just done it again and I was feeling pretty bad. I couldn't call from home because mom would have been pissed. I remember talking to a woman that really tried to help me. I just couldn't report it like she was asking. I remember a tall slender man with brown hair and glasses pulling up in a van. I remember telling the
ive spent some time thinking about what has been going on in my head and i think i can see some of the triggers im having. when i get ready to go anywhere, my husband has this habit of cornering me and blocking my exit. he is much larger and stronger than i am and i feel like i did when my stepfather trapped me in rooms and wouldnt let me out until i paid his toll. even now i make myself 'pay' in advance to get out when i want to go. it feels sickening to think about why i do it. i love him and
Ive worked all night and wondered how i will handle the day. so many decisions and choices that could be the right or wrong ones at any time. sometimes being a grown up can be fun but most of the time it is just making sure we do what we are suppose to do to make it in this world we were delivered into to live. i dont like being a grown up anymore and i want to try the childhood everyone sees on tv. i want simplicity. i want to find pleasure in getting dirty in the yard or playing with the anima
i wonder if other people have to remind themselves to feel emotions and feelings too. I have to tell myself its time to feel love or compassion or understanding. i have to convince myself its time to go to bed or to get to work. i know there is part of me that runs things and part of me that waits to be told what to do and i wonder if everyone goes through the same thing. part of me wants things to just be over and part of me says we cant because we have work to do. part is grown up and protecti
made it through the night and the sun is shining. i have committed myself to things i dont really want to do but i think they may be good for me in the long run. i have isolated myself so much lately that anxiety overwhelms me everytime i have to go outside so i am making myself help someone else out for the day. my husband doesnt understand but that is ok, he still supports me in what i do. something happened last night that made a lot of struggle seem worth while. i got to be the voice in the
A rough couple of days with issues of feeling like i have been triggered but not sure why. I have made some requests for counseling to work through this time but no answers so i guess its another time of going it alone. not a whole lot of the 'i give up' thoughts but really drowning in the 'i deserve to be punished' thoughts. i had really hoped i could find someone willing to sit with me for a while to get through this but as usual, i go it alone. im tired. i answer the call all hours several ti
i wonder what would have been different in my life if i had been more 'normal.' would i sleep at night and worry about the simple things in life? would i wear things that make me feel attractive? would i have ever been in a lesbian relationship, not being afraid of men? would i have been so concerned about the lives of others? would i love my animals as much? would i be healthier? would i be happier? would i have faith in god? would i be more or less successful? would i have still gone into la
vacation is hard for me. too much free time to be with who i am. hubby and i have talked about all the things we want to do and some of that is spending time together. i wish i could tell him all the things that are going through my head but then he would blame himself and i would just have to put more energy into taking care of him during all this. its easier to keep it to myself and just deal with it. fake it til you make it is gong to be the motto of the week. our anniversary is thursday and
snow is falling and the work continues. for some reason it is easier to get outside and do things when the weather is harsh like this. i think it feels safer for me knowing that fewer people will be out in it and i can have the time to myself. not wanting to self harm so much today although i do feel a need to punish myself in a way that is more self sacrificing than anything. ive enjoyed the time with my husband. we get along great as friends and partners in life and that makes things easier. i
it is so hard not to give up. i need to be here for my family and friends but i'm just so tired. my husband is so wonderful and caring. my best friend and her son have been solid for me for so many years and need me now and i shouldnt run away now when they need me. the animals all need me because there is no one else. i am at peace with not making it to the finish line with everyone else i just have obligations to meet for as long as i can. so many times in the past i have told women when you
Was finally able to go outside for a bit today. Life is springing up across the yard and trees and I feel like we all just came through a tunnel to the light of spring. I am looking forward to starting a garden if not for anything more than just companions in the sunlight. I can breathe a little today. Stress or anxiety or just bad health has made the past few months so hard but today was a welcomed calm and I took every opportunity to smile. I potted the strawberries and have broken ground arou
i never remember dreams i have. i cant ever remember having a dream but nightmares are a different story. i remember my nightmares in vivid detail and lately i have been having some devastating recurring nightmares that are destroying my sleep. i am only asleep for 30 minutes to an hour and wake up with my heart racing and every muscle aching. i can fall right back to sleep but i go right back into the nightmares. even if i find something to distract myself for an hour before i go back i still r
I'm in that "go away closer" mode where I need a hug and someone to make me feel safe and yet I won't let anyone in close enough to do anything like that. I feel like I don't deserve any love, respect or protection but also feel like I would do better if I had some. I am fighting depression and the need to just simply fall out of existence. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying and fighting to be and have and i'm tired of not making it quite as far as I had hoped. To counteract this, I am doing a littl
i am in a self destruct mode and i cant seem to get out of it. i gamble excessively to avoid going home because i am afraid of my husband who is a loving, kind and attentive man. I smoke to destroy what is left of my lungs and heart and i over eat to avoid any other feelings. i refuse to sleep when i need to rest and i deny myself simple basic needs like a haircut or a coat. I've made my last attempt to get into counseling and change my ways before i destroy myself and my family. Appointments ke
i owe my husband my life for everything he has done to stay with me. a great man and wonderful friend is only the beginning of his finest qualities. i struggle most days with depression and anxiety as does he and we have found ways to support each other but lately i can say he has taken it to a new and unequivocal level. this man has every right to walk away from me and yet he stays and supports me when he doesn't even question why things are so hard. i cannot let him down. i have to keep trying
Things started getting hard for me and I reached out to someone to talk to about things a few weeks ago. Since then, I feel a tidal wave of feelings washing up waiting to crash down. Everything seems to be coming out at once. I can feel an overload trying to happen and I just don't know which way it will swing. I am already self-destructive and neck deep in addiction. It has been recommended that I go in-patient on a suicide watch but I won't go voluntarily. I would have to admit i'm falling apa
i have about a month or two wait to see the therapist. in that time i really need to figure out what it is i am looking for help with fixing. sleep is the main issue. i get about two to three hours a day. i think it affects everything else. without sleep i dont have drive or peace or relaxation. stress could be causing my sleep issues, however, i have always had sleep issues and not always stress. depression could cause the sleep issues or sleep deprivation could cause the depression. maybe bo
