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Entries in this blog

Who Needs Feelings?

Feelings are so overrated! I'm so glad that mine are shut down. I love that nothing is bothering me. I don't feel anything and it's great. I'm so happy that nothing is affecting me. Have a great day

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When Do I Stop?

TW for talk about sex When do I cross the line? I haven't had sex in forever and now I can't stop.(Ok, it's only been 2 guys so far) It's like I have this pent up, I don't know what and can't get it out. A guy that wants to get with me tonight asked me what did I like about sex......I told him I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. I feel like I'm using it as a way to self harm myself. I can't cut but I can have sex with strangers....what the hell is wrong with me?! I've never been this way

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What

What happens when you get what you want? I push my best friend away but he keeps coming back but now I'm not answering him. It started out with me just wanting to see if I could handle not talking to him all the time and now it's I'm mad at him. I sent him a voice message saying that we should talk only once a week so he could meet others and concentrate on his life. He messages me that he won't listen to it because he knows that I just said I'm leaving him and he knows I won't do that.....now I

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Tomorrow

Tomorrow I travel to San Diego for my friend and mentor's funeral. It's so sad, I've known her for 16 years. She was my first friend when I moved to Vegas and when I became a substitute teacher, she was my mentor. She allowed me to shadow her in the classroom and taught me her secrets. When I was doing a long term assignment, she taught me how to do lesson plans and report cards. She always had a smile on her face. She "retired" 2 years ago and spent the last 2 years with her children and husban

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Today

My best friend went home a few weeks ago. I cried for the first week because I miss him so much. He's my rock when I need strength and I've needed a lot of strength lately. I remember some new things and he said they were the bad word. He keeps trying to get me to understand that it happened to me. I'm struggling so much with that because I don't believe it. The person who hurt me was my ex husband. I'm struggling because I've read that it's wifely duties.....I know Tumblr isn't the best place f

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Today

Today I was straightening my hair & I was thinking about some friends that I hadn't heard from in awhile. (My one friend, she hates that I straighten my hair. She always says to keep it natural because it's beautiful.) So today whilst I'm doing my hair, it starts to burn. I burned my hair! I've never done this before....so now my friend is on my mind. I hope and pray that she is doing well & that I hear from her again. I miss her a lot. Have a good night =)

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Struggling

I'm struggling so badly right now. I'm having the hardest time staying present but I keep going away. I need to push people away but they won't go. I've hurt them, they should've run but they won't. They say it's ok but I don't like myself for being this way. It started last night, I think I'm over the edge and I really need to find my way back!!! I don't know who the fuck I am. I'm becoming this crazy person who doesn't want her friends around her. I feel like I'm suffocating!! I feel some many

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Self Destructing

Trigger Warning-Please read if you are in a safe place.......I'm going to use swearing and talk about sex. I'm self destructing! I thought I was doing good but I'm not. I have to stop myself but don't know how. If you read my blog, you know that I've tried Tinder......the Virgin Queen has now officially been with 2 men besides her ex husband....actually I used to call myself a nun but now I've left the convent! =D I already talked about the first guy and how great he was. The second guy was fun.

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Scary Dreams

Last night I had really bad dreams after reading all the posts on oral r***. I would never have called it that, even though I now know that's what it was. My dreams were so vivid but nobody saved me. I couldn't scream but I was terrified! I've gnawed my fingers to the point of bleeding!! All of them now have some scab or other. I'm scared to sleep tonight. I'm scared the dreams will come back. I'm scared that no one will care what happens to me.....Guess I'll try to sleep

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Quotes

I saw this and for some reason it is clicking with me...... And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Maybe this is what I need to do....move on and be happy.

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My Luck =(

My luck sucks and it seems to have passed onto my friends. The guy I thought I might have a relationship with....he asked me for money. We've only been talking for 2 weeks and he wanted to borrow $10,000......that's over. My friend and his girlfriend had a talk this weekend and now they aren't talking...I love them both so I'm praying that it works out. It just seems to follow me like a black cloud......sorry I'm just feeling sad tonight.

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My Bf

I gave in and texted my best friend.....too many told me to stop being a baby and talk to him. I will never understand how I became so fortunate as to have him as my best friend but I am grateful everyday! We talked....he told me that he's been struggling with his own issues. I feel horrible for being mean & not being there for him. He always excuses me. I hate that but I did apologise and promise to really try to talk to him. I'm working on it......when do I stop punishing him for things he

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Mein Deutscher

I met a German guy. I fell in like with him. He was here for 2 weeks and then went back home. We said we'd stay in touch but everyone knows how that goes.....only we have stayed in touch. We talk everyday since we met. He sends me photos of his travels and tells me about his day. I'm in real like with him. Tonight we were talking and he asked if I would be visiting Germany anytime soon....I had planned to but I thought my plans were going to fall through. He wants me to visit him and stay with h

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Lost Memories

Warning!!!! I'm going to talk about my miscarriage and 2 abortions WARNING!!!! I lost a pregnancy due to my ex husband. That's the way I feel because we didn't realise I was pregnant or maybe we did (I don't remember) but he continued to have very rough sex with me until the day I miscarried. No one knows about it because it was before we were married and I would have been disowned if my family knew. I got pregnant again 2 more times before we got married and I chose to terminate the pregnancies

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Last Night

Last night I met up with a friend from work, we went out drinking. I had just gotten there and the bar was spotlighting 2 drinks so you could get samples. I'm sure this guy didn't mean to freak me out but he did. He was an older guy and as I was getting a sample, he came up behind me and started talking to me. I jumped a bit. My ex would come up behind me so now I can't have anyone or anybody behind me. Like I said, I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it but I wasn't aware of anyone behind me so

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It's Official....

TW-swearing My best friend officially told me goodbye yesterday. He said he couldn't handle me anymore. I just wanted to tell him....I told you that! He said he would never leave....LIAR He said he was there for me no matter what....LIAR He said what happened was wrong....LIAR He just invalidated everything he ever said to me.....LIAR He knew he would hurt me so badly by leaving me......LIAR He knew I will self destruct....LIAR I no longer trust anyone because everyone lies....they lie to get wh

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It's Me

I've lost 3 friends in the past year.....because of my behaviour. I lost 2 within a day of each other. I trusted them. I told them everything and they left. No goodbye, nothing. Does it still affect me? Oh ja, everyday. I miss them. I miss the long conversations about everything. I miss everything. Then I've lost my best friend. He's always been there for me no matter what but I've pushed him too hard. I never expected him to stay but I hoped. He has every right to leave. I can't believe he stay

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It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile and several things have happened. I finished my classes and can now teach overseas so I've been working on that (but not really accomplishing much), one of my kids just came back to visit for 2 weeks, stupid Valentine's Day came and went (thank God!) and I found cheap tickets to Europe......but with all of that comes problems, of course. My friend and I haven't spoken in over a week....unfortunately, it bothers me. My emotions have been shut off so I'm back to my stoney self aga

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It's Been A Long Time....

It's been a really long time since I wrote here.....so much is going on in my life. It's been good, bad and I don't know. For the first time in my life.....I'm not sure I want to continue to do my job. I'm a substitute teacher and the kids are getting worse every year. I'm done with their bad manners and their lack of effort. I work almost the entire year. I rarely have a day off unless it's for a holiday. I really care about the kids but it's getting harder and harder to care. I get real

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Is Someone Watching Over Me?

I'm not sure where this is going so I figured I'd put the tag on there in case..... My first time was with my ex husband and I hadn't been with anyone else for 20 years. Then recently I joined Tinder (a hook up site)....I didn't know what to expect. I've horrible problems with men and have been afraid forever of having sex. The first guy who responded straight out said he wanted hot sex....it freaked me out and my others came out to take care of it. (They are the ones who signed us up for this s

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In Sync

How am I in sync with people I don't know? I didn't even look at their stuff so it's impossible to be empathy, what can it be? So many people feeling the same way at the same time....I don't get it

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I'm 100 Emotions.....

I'm 100 emotions but feeling none of them. My car's power steering when out tonight. I'm supposed to go someplace tomorrow and I just don't want to. I miss my friend and a few other friends. I'm just sad and all over the place! I just want to curl up in bed and cry but I can't cry. At some point, I think I need to process what I allowed to happen to me over the weekend but I don't know when. I keep seeing the guy's face in my dreams but I've no one to blame but me. I put myself there so I deserv

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I Thought I Had This....

I did something stupid on Sunday night and I can't let it go.....suddenly life is crazy and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I thought things were getting better. I went on holiday with my German. We had an amazing time. He went home to his girlfriend. I've discovered that I have a tendency to act out if he posts something about her and it upsets me. Sunday, on a certain site, I met a guy. He seemed so nice texting. He wasn't bad but I got a bad feeling when I met him. Let's say that things didn'

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I Switched

Only a very few people know about my others, of the 4 people I've told....1 is still here for me. Yesterday, I was Skyping with her and I switched. This has never happened before! I have done it texting the 4 people but never where you can see it happening. I'm kinda freaked out. Apparently, I saw a post and the next thing you know, I'm not me anymore. The thing is, I've had them under control and we've worked out an arrangement....well, they aren't allowed out because they caused some horrible

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I Don't Know What To Do

Let me give some background, I host exchange students. I love them and consider them my own kids. Tonight my latest child told me about her life back home. She told me her dad hurts her & her mum. I'm worried about her. She is safe her for a year but she has to go back home to him. I don't know how to help her & don't want to start an international event. All of this has triggered me something fierce. My ex didn't hit me but some of the other stuff was reminding me. I want to help her bu

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