I am still struggling. I have gotten more ok with what has happened to me. I am starting to normalize it. However, the rest of my life so far has been extremely depressing. I can't smile anymore, I don't apply makeup anymore because I can't just get myself to do it. I feel like everyone hates me or doesn't want to talk with me. I just feel sad all the time, I hate looking in the mirror because I hate the girl that looks back. Kinda like Mulan with her reflection song. I feel fat, ugly and uncomf
A couple weeks ago I started therapy, mostly for anxiety in general that has gotten worse over the last couple years. I haven't discussed this particular event with my therapist yet. I put it on the introduction sheet as an issue I needed to work through. She went through the sheet at the beginning and asked about all the items until she got to that one. She said "is there anything else?" and I said no. I appreciated this at first because I didn't really want to discuss it that day and she can o
I try not to surrender my thoughts to you but I cant help it. I try to piece together everything you did to me but it's like I blocked it out. I understand that's what my body is doing to protect me but I want to know. I remember I was wearing light blue Jean's. The brand was vanilla star. Three buttons up the front. They were flare Jean's cause that was in style. I was wearing a blue and black off the shoulder sweater. I curled my hair because I knew I would see you. Not sure why I cared. We we
It was a cold day in December. We had just passed our one year anniversary. We made plans to do this about a month ago, but that didn’t make it any easier. I step on the bus and there he is, smile beaming like always when we lock eyes. His black roxy hat backwards covering his chocolate brown hair. His deep brown eyes sparkling, showing that the smile is pure. His 5’8 body dressed in the usual outfit. Blue jeans ripped at the bottom around his black DC sneakers. A black zip up sweatshirt with ca
I'm doing ok but still...
I want to know I'm not alone.
I want to know this isn't just my problem...though I hate it belongs to anyone.
I want to know peace and hope so well.
I'm uncomfortable with peace and hope.
I love the life I have.
It's hard but still,
I am stronger for it...and I am a better warrior.
And so it begins. Still young, yet innocence begins to fade. One little girl struggling to exist to understand to find her place, her frustration overwhelming. Beth takes her overwhelming emotions, and pours them out over Lorettia. Lorettia is smaller, weaker, unable to fight back, the perfect receptacle for Beth's overwhelming emotions, frustration and anger. At first it's verbal only, shouting, mean words. Quickly it escalates. A smack, a slap, arms wrenched. Lorettia runs, tries to escape. Ag
Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She was the youngest of three girls in her family. She had a mom and dad, who loved their children but were very busy trying to keep everything afloat. They were Christians who prayed at every meal and went to church almost every time the doors opened. From the outside they looked like a happy loving family. Daddy worked hard-long hours to provide, and Mommy volunteered in the church and school. The oldest sister Dawn was a typical first-born, a little
I have read some comments and one said to ask your friends to write nice things about you to cheer you up. That is such a good idea, however, I have "friends". People who claim we are friends and don't show any signs of being friends. I am always there for them when they need it but when I need them they are no where in sight. Some people get upset when I call them out, but they know that they aren't being the best person they can be. I would donate a kidney to them because thats the kind of per
Starting on Monday I am going to therapy again. I want the girl I used to be to come back, I know she is in there somewhere. I want to be able to paint, craft and laugh again. I just want to be able to do my homework without being depressed. I just lay in bed all day and then go to class. I need to get myself together and I can't let this trauma control my life. It doesn't define me. I want to be able to do things without feeling judged or alienated. Why can't I go out and have a good time witho
I’ve started this blog about 26 times.
Each time I start, I delete it because it doesn’t feel right. Usually when I write, I know what direction I want to go in or I know what’s been on my mind lately and I have somewhat of a plan as to what I want to talk about. For the past week, that hasn’t been the case. I’ve had several thoughts come and go and I’ve tried to form THIS thought several times and it hasn’t worked out. I guess part of me just doesn’t understand why I want to blog about thi
Music has been a long time aspect of my healing journey not just from the trauma I endured at the age of 18 but through many rough patches in my life.
When it comes to music I am an old soul, One of the artists that I listen to is Johnny Mathis I became a fan of his music in 2017 after a death happened in my family. His voice is very comforting to me and it is very soothing. I'll add a link to one of my favorite songs.
I hope to see a Johnny Mathis concert someday, Everytime
Even though it has been four years
There are days where I can still feel his
rough hands on me
I said no
I said no
But he didn't stop
His bitter words echo in my mind
Over and over again.
It's been four years
The memories of him
There are days
Where I ask why
Why did he cause me
So much pain?
"You'll forget all about it"
They tell me
They have no idea
What absolute terror is
Here it is nearly 130am and I am lying here trying to silence my mind while much of the world is fast asleep. It's a battle I have been fighting for a few weeks now. I thought I was winning nearly a year ago. I was asleep before the late night shows came on. Slowly things returned. Some days, a bad movie helps. Other days, a sleep aid is needed.
There are a few reasons why. Continuing to suppress feelings and emotions doesnt help. When the feelings creep in, I push them back and try harder
Everyone says not my fault she is gone but they do not have my mountain of evidence. Exhibit a, I let my mom gaslight that she was overemotional, flighty, not sick. Exhibit b, I believe I was entrusting her to a capable father, I assumed he had the capacity to help her, I let my fantasy that he was a Prince fool me into believing he could take care of her, which he did not, Exhibit c, I let my jealousy get in the way of seeing her pain, of seeing her traumas. Exhibit d, I believed when she told
To whom it may concern,
I don't believe in signs or superstitions. I don't believe in fate. I believe that thins will happen whether you have your lucky horseshoe or not.
One day as I was walking to work I saw this white bird. It was sitting on the power lines with so many pigeons next to it and it was the only white one in the crowd. For a very small moment I thought, "haha who knows maybe this is a sign of good luck. Maybe I'll have a good day."
That day was terrible. I though
So, let's assume that Ny-Quil and Melatonin have teamed up with one very important mission in mind - 'twas the night before Spring semester started, and someone (let's call her, 'Cap') needed to undo six weeks' worth of habitual going-to-bed-at-3am-every-night damage. And let's also assume that EVEN this late at night, it takes Cap roughly an hour to FALL asleep and then STAY asleep for more than three or four hours at a time. It has also been pre-determined that neither member of Team Sleep A
To whom it may concern,
I know I've been giving you guys happy entries these past few days and I am happy and yet my head won't let me be. My dad's still in the hospital. I haven't really spoken much about my dad. So here goes.
My dad....hes my hero. He has always been the light in my life that can brighten any day. He reminds me how amazing and strong I am and he doesn't even know what I'm going through. Even though he has never really understood me as a person, I'm still his daughter
To whom it may concern,
I woke up next to the most amazing woman. She makes me smile like I've never smiled and laugh like I've never heard a dad joke before! I told her I love her....
Or at least that I could love her.
Now I've only known her a short time but have you ever felt like....the whole world just got brighter? Now I know I've said that before but I feel like I have been looking through tinted glasses my entire life and now I can see clearly. Like all the love and accept
It's been months since my daughter's case was thrown out because her attacker is not competent to stand trial or plea , I'm still mad and I'm still going crazy inside but I think about this was is competent? How can it be ruled hes not competent? He was competent enough to assault my child and enough to continue to look back at the door and make sure no one was coming , he was competent enough to hold his hand over her mouth! I just can't believe he got away with it no counseling nothing at all
The motivation for this entry has come from several different directions. There is much I've seen, heard, and felt in the past week. I debated whether this should be a motivational post or a blog entry, but it's possible it'll be both. I'm undecided for the moment, so figured I'd at least write it out, first.
Most of us envision healing as a non-linear path we take on foot; a muddied, beaten, track that is not without obstacles and hinderances along the way. 'One foot in f
To whom it may concern,
She picked me up from work and we went to Timmies. I bought us coffee and we spent another night just talking and laughing and listening to music and talking too loud. I was so scared she'd never try to kiss me, and when I reached for her hand, I knew I had to try because that hand in mine just made everything feel...empty without her. I know, I know! Big feels for such a short amount of time but I mean...she really did make me feel like...I can conquer the world wit