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I still have the house to myself for a little while longer and I'm dreading my mother's return. I was really hoping to be further along with my house hunting than I am. CS has been coming over A LOT. I like the company but he's starting to drive me insane. This afternoon was okay though, but that's because he was inside watching a movie while I was outside shoveling snow and doing chores. As soon as I came inside he was at it again. Little stupid things. Making dumb jokes and not taking anythin
Last night I had really bad dreams after reading all the posts on oral r***. I would never have called it that, even though I now know that's what it was. My dreams were so vivid but nobody saved me. I couldn't scream but I was terrified! I've gnawed my fingers to the point of bleeding!! All of them now have some scab or other. I'm scared to sleep tonight. I'm scared the dreams will come back. I'm scared that no one will care what happens to me.....Guess I'll try to sleep
How do I go back? I can't seem to shake this underlying emotion that I am so different than the person I was before everything happened to me. How do I get that person back? I guess you could say that there is no turning back; that what's done is done and I have to face the reality that I'm no longer that timid, fragile little girl anymore, and I've blossomed into someone new... someone better. I don't believe that for a second though. I'm not a better version of my old self, I'm a worse one. Wh
I do not know where to start with this, so why not the beginning? I met her in the most random of ways, but she has changed my life forever but more importantly for the better. She has brought out the fullest potential in me. She is truly the most amazing person I have ever met or will ever meet. She has a story that untellable through words alone. I was lucky enough to score at least a chapter with her, and if I play my cards right I will see her through to the conclusion... and into the book t
Today was really rough. I am a teacher at a preschool and I have been having trouble with my co-teacher. She is older than me, has no degree in Early Childhood(she has a literacy degree) and is disrespectful to teaching staff and the children. This whole episode started when I questioned her decision about throwing out a children's CD and she began going off on how she is frustrated that we are not on the same page with the children. She blamed me for any misbehavior, saying I was too "Child Dir
So I have been intending to return to school and finish my degree. The process of application, getting accepted.. has been... frustrating to say the least. But now I am well on my way to completing my registration for my first quarter of school in the pacific northwest! Yay me, and all that. I almost didn't go through with the registration, the thought of overwhelming myself with class work, and work work, and everyday household runnings was daunting, but with the patience and observations of a
I feel unhappy. I've been with my boyfriend for three years this coming January, but lately it's felt like we've been growing apart. Not just lately, I suppose.. But since I was raped. He was there that night, He was asleep, while I was pulled away and silently.. Well, I don't have to go into detail. I know he blames himself for not awakening. I know it isn't his fault either, but for a long time I placed a silent blame on him inwardly.. I know it isn't his fault, it was just so easy for me to t
***This is Skye, one of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules and intend to do my best to follow them, Having said that, I am NOT a happy camper right now. This post is rant. Deal with it.*** Okay. I can handle the cold just fine. My nature is very much one of Fire; cold does not bother me that much. Copper is a different song. These past weeks (months?) we have been living essentially without a heater, she has plugged along without complaint. A couple times she spoke to one of our Housing
Today I did it.....I told my best friend everything. He knows more about me than anyone else in the world!! I have a new problem now.....he has my control. I used my story as control over everything. If something didn't work out right, well, it must be because I have this huge secret that no one knows about....now he knows. I'm scared. He will never hurt me, that's not what scares me. What scares me is he was strong enough to handle everything. I call him Superman because that is who he is to me
The closer I get to telling everything to my friend the worse I get. I have gnawed my fingers until they have bled. Now I want to control my eating also. I haven't had these issues in forever. Why are they bubbling up now? I literally bite my fingers in front of anyone & everyone....it looks so professional. The food issue started today. I can't have people tell me that I'm losing weight or I sabotage it. I gain it all back. A different friend tells me every time she sees me that I look like
So, I've been having trouble sleeping since Aug/Sept. Same time I began having flashbacks. In fact, for the last week I do not remember sleeping at all, it feels like some light naps during the night. I am not someone who takes meds daily but I am ready to give in. I have tried the meds for the Psychiatrist, they have not worked, just made me feel ill the next day. I have tried Melatonin, Kava, and other herbal sleep remedies. They make me tired and feel like I am ready to go to bed but I just
For the first time I can remember, I am actually dreading these winter Holidays. I began having falshbacks and remembering the abuse in Aug/Sept this year. Since then it has consumed my life, all my decisions and waking moments. I do not remember the actual event but all the rest of it: body memories, location, age, surrounding objects, etc. I have hopes that Cmas will not be as difficult as TGiving because when I think of TG I remember him. When I think of Cmas I remember the rest of my famil
A secret sealed for 4 long years in silence I suffer shedding tears, Never ever have I spoken of this I cry and shield behind a fake bliss, once by 3 strangers which the world knows but the first assault is an unknown prose, I whisper this secret for the first time he's regrettably free from a horrific crime, the pain and the ache the wounds not healed he stabbed my heart but the crime just sealed, he spoke of his affection my feelings weren't mutual so was it revenge from me being truthful, bei
Why is it when I talk about what happened, I get angry? I get angry at people who didn't have anything to do with what happened to me. I especially get angry with my friend. Is it because he is male? Is it because I want to push him away? Is it because I think it's ok? I really don't know. I just know that what he's hear hurts him. He feels so bad for me but can't do anything about it. Why does he make me feel better even when I'm mean to him?? Why do I still feel so alone even though he knows e
So the other day, I talked to my friend who triggered me. He is wonderful but now I feel overwhelming guilt because I told him everything that has happened to me. I think it's too much but he insists that he's fine. I don't think he is. I just want to take everything back! I don't want him to deal with my pain. Has anyone else had this happen to them?
I haven't posted anything new in a little while, because I am trying to write something NEW. The forms of mental guidance, programming, I don't know what to call it, that my family used on me made me believe that I was not allowed to do anything well. I used to be able to write easily, but now when I pick up a pen, or sit down to a new document, my mind tries to rebel. I'm working on getting past that "oh my God I'm not allowed to do this anymore because I'm good at it" block, and put down some
I feel so lost sometimes like no one at all understands me . I suffer from ptsd and high anxiety and when i told someone and i was a young teen no one not even my mother did not protect me and she chose a man over me . How can i trust people or men who hurt me how can i hold stable relationship with a man if i hate them .
This is my first blog and I need to get myself back in control. A good friend triggered me last week, he has no idea that he had. I didn't realise that it would trigger me but it did. Now I'm anxious all the time! I can't calm down. I'm remembering things from my ex that I don't want to. I just want it to go away. My ex-husband did this over 20 years ago. I kept it put away until this past summer, then I had a semi breakdown but I put it away again. Now this, it triggered me so bad. I can't put
I've been fighting half my life. That's a real long time. A real long time to fight when you can't really see what you're fighting for. I know there is a purpose in life. I know there is a purpose for me; but for now I'm just fighting for survival. I'm fighting but all the while I don't really know how long I'll last. I've had that thought in my head since I started my fight; an understanding that I wouldn't make it. It's an idea that I came to terms with a long time ago. Yet I'm still here. It
I feel like crying. I've had a hard week emotionally. I've been trying really hard to be social and part of my family and friend circle, and it's taken a big toll on me mentally. The past few nights I've been having flashbacks/body memories each time I close my eyes to sleep, so then I end up just staying up later until I literally pass out from exhaustion. I've been having vivid dreams. Most sex based or sexual assault based, others just bizarre. I feel ready to just shut down again and crawl b
This poem was written much more recently than the others, within the last 8 years I think. Feel free to comment if you would like. I am always open to criticism. A Ghost in This Town The good old days that have flown past; they plague my waking hours with sorrow, and my rest with nightmares of solitude. I pass in silence, like death walking, watching with patient horror as my fears become my reality. At the grocery, the mall, the theaters, eyes of every hue pass through me seeking the next wonde
Why Bother Counting Anger transparent- veils loosely as the noose around the symptoms of imbalance that plague my fading youth. My hands, callused with pointless work, my mind blurred with blind pain. Sorrows born from the pain of others, feed the flickering flames of my now listing spirit. If all could be beautiful, or all could be lost, why then do I insist on counting every cost?
I've had.. A weird week. I guess. I don't know. I feel void again. Everything is numb. I've been fighting with my boyfriend, on and off. I can't seem to get along with my dad. He constantly makes me feel guilty, or like I'm not good enough. He throws around "rape" in conversations as if it's something funny, or something that is okay to talk about. It isn't. My mother and I are distant.. I've been staying at my sister's home for almost a week. She's having problems with her soon to be ex-husband
