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All-or most-of my blogs will have a trigger warning. Today was tough. Walking around praying I wouldn't see him...I had to leave one of the clubs I enjoy most because he was always there. He still doesn't get that he did anything wrong. I feel sick, physically ill when I think about what he did to me...what I let him do. I was dating him. I hate that I still feel like it was my fault, that maybe he's right, maybe I am a wh*re. I loved him...I gave him my heart, and he doesn't even care tha
Tomorrow I travel to San Diego for my friend and mentor's funeral. It's so sad, I've known her for 16 years. She was my first friend when I moved to Vegas and when I became a substitute teacher, she was my mentor. She allowed me to shadow her in the classroom and taught me her secrets. When I was doing a long term assignment, she taught me how to do lesson plans and report cards. She always had a smile on her face. She "retired" 2 years ago and spent the last 2 years with her children and husban
A friend of mine figured it out on New Years eve. I never wanted him or anyone in his family to know. And it's destroying him. His family and their house has always felt like a sanctuary to me. They are the only family I've ever known that seems to truly love each other for who they are. Sometimes it's baffling. Sometimes it brings me hope. Sometimes I feel privileged, like I'm witnessing the last of an endangered species. I love being around them. They are my sanctuary. That's why I never wante
I think it's time to speak up and share my story. A about a year ago, I was invited to one of those frat formals. It was in a hotel a couple of hours away, and I had just broken things off with a boyfriend of two years (on again off again) and wanted to relax and have fun. One of my good guy friends was in the frat, and he and my roommate went together. I started drinking when we arrived (like everyone else did) and I'm not sure about much after that, until the bad stuff. I asked my guy friend
So this is the beginning. I think I will use this more than the regular forum. I just need a place to put my thoughts so I don't force them on friends. I don't want to lose them. I need the few people who tolerate me. I need to keep my pity parties away from them. I'm not easily liked. Im a pain in the ass. I'm opinionated. I'm a bit*h. Most people hate me and they should. There is nothing likable about me. Boys think they like me. They like the idea. Blonde big boobs and nerdy. But once they re
It seems like when things seem so overwhelming a tiny little miracle happens to help make it to the next day. Sometimes that miracle is as simple as being able to offer a little help to someone who is stuck as well. Sometimes it means just listening and sometimes it means saying anything that lets them know they aren't going it alone. Sometimes it means letting them work through it and sometimes it means getting their mind off of the terrible stuff and on to something lighter. Sometimes it is as
Disappointed I'm at work but thankful still that I have a job. life is seeming a little normal lately and I'm really enjoying it. Down to one job now with a few extra hours available to help out at home. Hubby is hubby. Some days are good for him and other days he struggles in silence. I worry about his depression but I have to remind myself I can only do so much for him and the rest he has to reach out for himself. He is a good and kind man that deserves to be happy and carefree but frankly, I
I finally saw the movie....I think I'm the only person in the world who didn't cry during it. I think there is something wrong with me. I don't cry much. I think it's a waste of my time and I don't really feel the emotions linked to it. Just wondering if anyone feels like this ever?
I was Eight when I was sexual abused by my mums best friend and I never told anybody until I was Seventeen, it was one of the hardest things I have had to do. I went to court with it and everything but he got away with it and now my whole family knows about it and I feel so ashamed of what happened. I am now Twenty and I can't have a normal relationship with either gender as I am afraid that they would look down upon me or see me have a break down. I still see images of what happened and can't
So, my first blog. Above you will see all the different things I relate to or feel right now. I'm 40 and even my therapists have told me I should write a book, so maybe this is how I'll go about it. My story of Surviving began the day I was born (story there). And is continuing today. I have been sexually violated by at least 5 different men and not at the same time, but over time. I feel cursed. I was an advocate for a long time and proud to be a survivor and then it happened again and s
My name is Andi, one of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules of After Silence, and I will do my utmost to heed them. In this post I briefly mention SI. I have been around for a while, but deep Inside. I handed the first T the body went to...or at least the first who was worth the ink on her diploma. So it makes perfect sense to me (and my sense of balance) that I first resurface on the way to Aqua's. I like Aqua. We (me and Copper mostly) raised some very serious questions to her, and got s
Hi my name is Broken. I was raped at the age of 6 or 7 by my half brother. At first I did not know who had done it. I started having flashbacks at the age of 18 when I got married. It took awhile for me to remember exactly who it was but his face finally came into the picture. One of the most vivid memories is of him finishing and telling me to count to 100. My mom was calling for me. She found me and asked me what I was doing. I was terrified but I told her. She had my brother come in and asked
I going to start this with the fact that I am survivor of multiple situations of sexual abuse and rape. It's been an issue for most of my life and there are days where I feel like I've brought it all onto myself. There are also days when I look at my current life and realize that I never asked for those things to happen. My story begins in my childhood. I grew up in a small town with little to no contact with other people my age other than family. My father was a jack of all trades who ended up
I gave in and texted my best friend.....too many told me to stop being a baby and talk to him. I will never understand how I became so fortunate as to have him as my best friend but I am grateful everyday! We talked....he told me that he's been struggling with his own issues. I feel horrible for being mean & not being there for him. He always excuses me. I hate that but I did apologise and promise to really try to talk to him. I'm working on it......when do I stop punishing him for things he
What happens when you get what you want? I push my best friend away but he keeps coming back but now I'm not answering him. It started out with me just wanting to see if I could handle not talking to him all the time and now it's I'm mad at him. I sent him a voice message saying that we should talk only once a week so he could meet others and concentrate on his life. He messages me that he won't listen to it because he knows that I just said I'm leaving him and he knows I won't do that.....now I
Skye here. I am one of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules and will adhere to them as best I can. This post carries a large TW. Tuesday's flashback was bad enough. Not much for details, but long on emotion. Days later and I can still feel Jet's cane coming down across my shoulders! But today...lord. We uncovered another part of why all of us hate being so cold. Can I get a ticket for Egypt, please??? 'Cause I want to go swimming in DeNile. Copper panicked halfway into the FB, so I rode (
How am I in sync with people I don't know? I didn't even look at their stuff so it's impossible to be empathy, what can it be? So many people feeling the same way at the same time....I don't get it
I'm struggling so badly right now. I'm having the hardest time staying present but I keep going away. I need to push people away but they won't go. I've hurt them, they should've run but they won't. They say it's ok but I don't like myself for being this way. It started last night, I think I'm over the edge and I really need to find my way back!!! I don't know who the fuck I am. I'm becoming this crazy person who doesn't want her friends around her. I feel like I'm suffocating!! I feel some many
I'm not sure how the blogs on here work but I think the act of typing out my story will be therapy in itself. So I'll start at the beginning, the night when my life took a nose dive. I was 17, had low self esteem and generally was a vulnerable girl. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and was constantly thinking I was fat and that I needed a boy interested in me to feel even the tiniest bit of confidence. This self loathing and self doubt is where it all began. I thought I fancied someone at my
I've had a fun weekend but I have the underlining feeling of leaving my friend. It's not fair that others get to leave people and not look back. I used to be that way but my friend made me have feelings again. I hate him for it! I just want to run away. He hasn't done a thing to me. He's been busy lately. I told him maybe we should take a break from each other and he said no. He doesn't want me to leave. He won't leave me. He tells me this all the time. I just want to be left alone by the whole
Skye here. One of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules and will heed them. *****This post carries a lot of Trigger Warnings, including CSA, and religion. You have been warned***** I just saw a bit on TV about some idiotic little starlet who is publicly announcing her plan to remain a virgin until her wedding night. She flaunted her credentials as a Christian and the values her (too-exposed reality TV show) family. She posted a list of tips on her blog...cute, really. She says to stay out o
I really don't see the point anymore. I lost two friends recently -- one because she walked away and the other because she VICIOUSLY turned on me out of nowhere (not that she'll take responsibility for that). In addition: I've lost both of my cats my car my entire family and another friend who decided I was too "immature" to deal with (sorry if you don't like the littles bit*h) I just don't see the point of putting myself out there anymore, of meeting anyone else EVER when they're just gonna dec
I do better for a few days, feeling strong and then I dealt with a situation with a friend that I needed to deal with -- I had to cut her off because it's just been lingering there for years and it's not healthy -- but then saying goodbye brought up all this grief and pain and I'm right back in the thick of it again. When does this nightmare end? I am so tired of one step forward 294,350,478 back. I just want to be able to live and it feels like I can't because there's all this pain and anger a
