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I feel so alone right now. My husband is in the hospital and about to leave me because I am too messed up for him. forget that my abuse is what messed me up I wish he knew I wouldn't just be better so fast.
I joined a few days ago and have been reading through some of the entries on the forums. I admire you all. You say and write the words that I can't. You explain things that no one else has. Maybe in time I can write down how I feel about what happened and how I feel now. This is the start, thanks for your support
So much time has passed. I am a grown up now. I am a mother, wife, sister and aunt. I can not understand why or what even my triggers are. I confuse even myself. It's not like the incidences were yesterday, it was a long long long time ago. So much of my childhood has disappeared from visual memory, much of it comes to me in thoughts-as if written words (not actual). However the visuals I do have I want them gone. I want to be able to go through out my day without a thought or physical response-
i never remember dreams i have. i cant ever remember having a dream but nightmares are a different story. i remember my nightmares in vivid detail and lately i have been having some devastating recurring nightmares that are destroying my sleep. i am only asleep for 30 minutes to an hour and wake up with my heart racing and every muscle aching. i can fall right back to sleep but i go right back into the nightmares. even if i find something to distract myself for an hour before i go back i still r
My mouth hurts - stupid dentists. Had my wisdom tooth out - not enough room in my mouth for it and was rubbing at the back. But not I feel sick and my mouth really hurts. It didn't hurt at all at the time. I think by their comments it should have done despite the lignocaine anastaetic. Now it does though. Should take my mind off how out of my mind I've been today you'd think. I feel so sick. It's been too much - again. I don't know how I got through, I came so close to bursting and coll
Being new here, I don't know where to begin. I am a 35 year old mother/wife/social worker who endured many years of sexual abuse at the hands of multiple abusers. I can remember back to around age 2, the touching by "them" in areas they should not ever touch on a child, for their pleasure. I unfortunately was not their only victim, all the females on that side of the family were targets, regardless of age. Finally at age 13, I told a friend. He helped me to tell a therapist in the psychiatric ho
I told my best friend about what happened to me. It was hard, and at first I am not completely sure if she believed me or not. But after the words came out of my mouth, "I was raped by my brother," she at first was shocked. Then she hugged me, and told me that it would be okay. I felt like there was this weight lifted off my shoulders and it feels good. I urge anyone who is in the same position as me, or knows somebody who is. Tell somebody, even if it is a friend. It will help, I promise. I fee
Only a very few people know about my others, of the 4 people I've told....1 is still here for me. Yesterday, I was Skyping with her and I switched. This has never happened before! I have done it texting the 4 people but never where you can see it happening. I'm kinda freaked out. Apparently, I saw a post and the next thing you know, I'm not me anymore. The thing is, I've had them under control and we've worked out an arrangement....well, they aren't allowed out because they caused some horrible
Hey, I'm new here, so I don't exactly know how to do this or what to say. I honestly doubt very many people will read this. But it makes me feel better typing this. I was raped when I was child, various times on many accounts. My rapist, my brother, should have known better. But truth is, I know he knew better. I'm 16 now, and he's in his 20s. Nothing's happened, and almost nobody knows, and now I'm trying to get better. I know I can do it. If anyone has any advice, please, I'm open ears. I need
Hi there! This is my first time on this website and I am really hoping that I can find some help here. It has been about 4 months since it happened. I still feel just as lost, confused, and hurt as I did the day it happened. I am pulling from wells of strength that I didn't know I had and i'm not sure how much longer they will last me. The pressure I feel, the lies that have been told, the hurtful things that have been said... I am tired of pretending that everything is okay-I know that I am
Was finally able to go outside for a bit today. Life is springing up across the yard and trees and I feel like we all just came through a tunnel to the light of spring. I am looking forward to starting a garden if not for anything more than just companions in the sunlight. I can breathe a little today. Stress or anxiety or just bad health has made the past few months so hard but today was a welcomed calm and I took every opportunity to smile. I potted the strawberries and have broken ground arou
I can't anymore I just can't. I want to go to leave this planet. I'm so alone right now. I'm so useless I'm a waste of space on this this earth, why would I want to go on. This is stupid. I'm sat here, alone, distrort, clueless, scared, sick to death or everything. No one cares about me, and if they did or do, I'm either unaware of it, or I'm successfully pushed them away. I'm alone. Alone, alone, alone, alone alone - always alone. I was born alone, and I'll die alone. I feel the deep hurt
I'm not sure where this is going so I figured I'd put the tag on there in case..... My first time was with my ex husband and I hadn't been with anyone else for 20 years. Then recently I joined Tinder (a hook up site)....I didn't know what to expect. I've horrible problems with men and have been afraid forever of having sex. The first guy who responded straight out said he wanted hot sex....it freaked me out and my others came out to take care of it. (They are the ones who signed us up for this s
I'm struggling tonight. Sometimes I have to play through a therapy session in my head where I'm telling my story over and over again to try to find peace. Tonight is one of those nights but for some reason the memories of how I felt during that time feels hazy as if it didn't happen the way I remember it. I know that isn't right since I remember the physical aspect of it clearly and I definitely have a lot of emotional trauma. I spent so many years telling myself it's ok that I was ok with it th
it is so hard not to give up. i need to be here for my family and friends but i'm just so tired. my husband is so wonderful and caring. my best friend and her son have been solid for me for so many years and need me now and i shouldnt run away now when they need me. the animals all need me because there is no one else. i am at peace with not making it to the finish line with everyone else i just have obligations to meet for as long as i can. so many times in the past i have told women when you
Has anyone else dealt with someone who creeps you out but you have to deal with them? My sister's boyfriend creeps the beatlejuice out of me!!! He's never done anything to me but I can't stand to be in the same room as him for more than a few minutes. I can't put my finger on it but he creeps me beyond out. The first time I met him, I could barely stay in the room. I left quickly because I just couldn't stay. If you've had this, how did you deal with it? They are pretty serious and I will be hav
Can I open up to you? The can of worms sat undisturbed on the top shelf in your bedroom But can I speak with you? Words left undone I’m overrun Gold thread left un-spun What is there left to do? The spindle lays down useless; how could we get stronger through this? I deserve to know what the goddamn truth is Or what truth may be today- But tomorrow it may change The heart is clay (washed away) As you present your sins in chains to be slain Finally I state: “Don’t insult my intelligence- for I ha
My story is not out in full yet, but I have been raped once and was date rapped another time. The first time I was raped was when I lost my virginity. From then on I have viewed sex as a meaningless thing because I waited so long for if and it meant nothing when it was taken. I already had liberal views on sex but this incident has just increased my view that it is only "special" because media has presented it this way. Not that it can't be...but you know what I mean. Anyways, I have a lot of s
I'm warning that this post is about sex......TW.....please be safe whilst reading this I never posted my story. I can't...I've written it once and copy and pasted it ever since. I read it when I send it to a friend but I forget it immediately afterwards. Suffice to say that my ex husband was my problem. He was my first and only until this past week. I've lived like a nun for over 20 years....my friends understand the joke. I'm quite the innocent and never ever considered a one night stand or Tin
My therapist thinks writing might help. I told her I would give it a shot. I guess this is kinda an introduction entry. Obviously, I go my Lonelilies. I'm in my 20s, I live in America, and I identify as bisexual and transgender. I'm currently unemployed and applying for disability because of my PTSD. I do odd jobs (like baby-sitting, running errands, construction, etc.) when I need cash. I'm currently living with family, but I hope to be moving out soon. I've been through a lot of sexual abuse
Not sure what to say...but I know that I don't want to feel alone anymore. This past year has been the most difficult in a long time. I was raped at the age of 14. By a man that was 21, and we worked at the same pizza place. It started with him paying a lot of attention to me. My parents were musicians and so was my brother, they were gone a lot! I craved attention, to feel special, and this guy made me feel that way. So I thought, wow this man that is 21 and in college thinks I'm great! Well
Today a friend of mine asked me why I like the desert so much. I started thinking about it this afternoon and came up with something pretty meaningful to myself. In the past week, I've had this picture in my mind that shows up when I feel stressed out or anxious. It's just an image of me sitting in the desert sun, calm and silent. At peace. Like I belong there. At first I just thought it was just another place where I would feel calm naturally, like being near the mountains or the ocean, but whe
