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Panicking Right Now

Hello... Since this is my first entry, I will be giving some extra background. This week has been a stressful week. I live with my ex-boyfriend, who is also my best friend. On Friday he asked me to leave. It is hard on him, living with me. When I was a child I was sexually abused by my father. He was a strange man, bachelor, drug abuser, artist, poet, writer, photographer, abuser. There were things he did to me that I am not even honest with myself about half the time. The last time I saw h

Zoe--Anastasia

Zoe--Anastasia

Still too passive about boundaries

I never want to talk to my siblings about our childhood again. They were also abused, so I understand why they want to talk. But I really can't handle it. They have, like, an intellectual curiosity about it. I don't have that at all. It just sucks. It's all incredibly painful. I don't want or need to know any more about what happened. Every frigging time we talk about it, I learn some new twisted, hurtful, or worrying detail. A few things they've told me have so profoundly rocked me that it

matts

matts

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i can't believe what i saw as i turned on the TV, this evening i was disgusted by all the injustice

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Intimacy is too much

Hi, I'm new to this and unsure about the whole "online talk therapy" thing, but I'm just giving it a shot because it honestly feels like a diary entry with feedback. Something happened today and it has happened before.  TW  My partner and I used to be very very sexually involved. Like there was a fire between us! But these days, ever since I started uncovering my real sexual trauma, I shiver at the sight of his or my naked body and feel like I'm being ripped apart by any lovi

shaantiamor

shaantiamor

Drinking so i can sleep

I have been drinking so maybe i can sleep...my si urges wont do away...i contacted an ex which was stupid...yet again. Im hoping my T will be able to start weekly therapy. I think if i dont get a handle on this i will never get proper sleep...and im sure hed say drinking so i can sleep is not healthy

behindthesehazeleyes

behindthesehazeleyes

Been awhile

Been awhile since I had a full on flashback. The empty stare into space, feeling bodily sensations and feeling like I was there. I’ve been doing pretty good with therapy but suddenly I remembered new parts of my abuse tonight and I haven’t been able to sleep since. I was honestly questioning if those memories were even real, but the flashback and bodily sensations confirm it.    Dammit.  It basically means I gotta change my tally from 6 rapes to 7. 😕 

khake

khake

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i'm scared at how small my wrists have become

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i hate everything about you why do i love you? i hate you love me

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Self conscious about imposing on friends

My natural way is to be super open and without filter. It feels wrong and sort of hurtful to edit what I am saying, in person or email, so I tend to open my mouth and start talking or writing from the heart and let it all out before I can become self conscious. Online this means I hit send before I have doubts or go back and read it again and over analyze sentences and paragraphs to delete or reword. I worry this is selfish and I should stop. I think it could be. I'd like to think that mayb

matts

matts

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there's a party at the pearly gates of gold and platinum for you an invitation to the holy rock and rollers standing on the bandstand you'll see the legends who'll tell you how it feels to be the only one who knows you've been buried alive the only one who knows how it feels up at the address all the widows write   (jellyfish - ghost at number one)

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Told my boss(es)

I planned to keep it professional, even though I'm not good at that. I'm one of six employee's at a very small company. We all work from home and primarily communicate by online chat and video calls. I've known the owner for something like 15 years, though only worked for him for about a year. They are all Good People. I carefully crafted a message to the owner, being obtuse and what I imagine a mature corporate professional adult would say (though I really don't know), something like: I'm going

matts

matts

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sometimes people say i'm just a big time-bomb

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insufferable there's some things you just don't want to know i can tell

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Don't touch me.

I can't sleep. Often at night, I get this phantom feeling that someone is touching me. I think its my mind remembering when I wanted to scream "don't touch me!" All those times. Especially the first time. And I can't get peace now. My mind keeps reliving that helpless feeling. I just want to go back in time and have the awareness of mind to say "don't touch me" and get away from him. First comes the shame and self pity then comes the anger. At him. At myself. Mostly At myself.

behindthesehazeleyes

behindthesehazeleyes

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Oh, bless me, Lord, for I have sinned It's been a lifetime since I last confessed I threw my crutches in "The river of a shadow of doubt" And I'll be dressed up in my Sunday best Say a prayer for the family Drop a coin for humanity Ain't this uniform so flattering? I never asked you a god damn thing Don't test me Second guess me Protest me You will disappear I want to know who's allowed to breed All the dogs who never learned to read Missionary politicians

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one too many times isn't enough for me

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munch munch crunch crunch time to eat breakfast

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if i trust you today will you still be here tomorrow?

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A febrile shocking violent smack And the children are hoping for a heart-attack Tonight the windows are watching, the streets all conspire And the lamppost can't stop crying If I could fly high above the world Would I see a bunch of living dots spell the word stupidity? Or would I see hungry lover homicides, loving brother suicides And olly olly oxen frees who pick a side and hide? The world is scratching at my door My morning paper's got the scores The human interest s

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go drill your deserts go dig your graves fill your mouth with all the money you will save packaging subversion pseudo-sacrosanct perversion

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beautiful garbage, beautiful dresses have you ever felt so used up as this? my name is might've been my name is never was my name's Forgotten she obliterated everything she touched only us left now just go nameless beautiful garbage, beautiful dresses   (celebrity skin)

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why is it only lies i'm capable of telling? why am i not capable of holding onto anything? why do my feelings come and slip away?

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