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Since this is my first entry, I will be giving some extra background. This week has been a stressful week. I live with my ex-boyfriend, who is also my best friend. On Friday he asked me to leave. It is hard on him, living with me. When I was a child I was sexually abused by my father. He was a strange man, bachelor, drug abuser, artist, poet, writer, photographer, abuser. There were things he did to me that I am not even honest with myself about half the time. The last time I saw h
I never want to talk to my siblings about our childhood again. They were also abused, so I understand why they want to talk. But I really can't handle it.
They have, like, an intellectual curiosity about it. I don't have that at all. It just sucks. It's all incredibly painful. I don't want or need to know any more about what happened. Every frigging time we talk about it, I learn some new twisted, hurtful, or worrying detail. A few things they've told me have so profoundly rocked me that it
I'm new to this and unsure about the whole "online talk therapy" thing, but I'm just giving it a shot because it honestly feels like a diary entry with feedback.
Something happened today and it has happened before.
My partner and I used to be very very sexually involved. Like there was a fire between us! But these days, ever since I started uncovering my real sexual trauma, I shiver at the sight of his or my naked body and feel like I'm being ripped apart by any lovi
I have been drinking so maybe i can sleep...my si urges wont do away...i contacted an ex which was stupid...yet again.
Im hoping my T will be able to start weekly therapy. I think if i dont get a handle on this i will never get proper sleep...and im sure hed say drinking so i can sleep is not healthy
Been awhile since I had a full on flashback. The empty stare into space, feeling bodily sensations and feeling like I was there. I’ve been doing pretty good with therapy but suddenly I remembered new parts of my abuse tonight and I haven’t been able to sleep since. I was honestly questioning if those memories were even real, but the flashback and bodily sensations confirm it.
It basically means I gotta change my tally from 6 rapes to 7. 😕
My natural way is to be super open and without filter. It feels wrong and sort of hurtful to edit what I am saying, in person or email, so I tend to open my mouth and start talking or writing from the heart and let it all out before I can become self conscious. Online this means I hit send before I have doubts or go back and read it again and over analyze sentences and paragraphs to delete or reword.
I worry this is selfish and I should stop. I think it could be. I'd like to think that mayb
there's a party at the pearly gates
of gold and platinum
for you an invitation
to the holy rock and rollers
standing on the bandstand
you'll see the legends
who'll tell you how it feels
to be the only one who knows
you've been buried alive
the only one who knows
how it feels
up at the address all the widows write
(jellyfish - ghost at number one)
I planned to keep it professional, even though I'm not good at that. I'm one of six employee's at a very small company. We all work from home and primarily communicate by online chat and video calls. I've known the owner for something like 15 years, though only worked for him for about a year. They are all Good People. I carefully crafted a message to the owner, being obtuse and what I imagine a mature corporate professional adult would say (though I really don't know), something like: I'm going
I can't sleep.
Often at night, I get this phantom feeling that someone is touching me. I think its my mind remembering when I wanted to scream "don't touch me!" All those times. Especially the first time. And I can't get peace now. My mind keeps reliving that helpless feeling. I just want to go back in time and have the awareness of mind to say "don't touch me" and get away from him. First comes the shame and self pity then comes the anger. At him. At myself. Mostly At myself.
Oh, bless me, Lord, for I have sinned
It's been a lifetime since I last confessed
I threw my crutches in "The river of a shadow of doubt"
And I'll be dressed up in my Sunday best
Say a prayer for the family
Drop a coin for humanity
Ain't this uniform so flattering?
I never asked you a god damn thing
Don't test me
Second guess me
You will disappear
I want to know who's allowed to breed
All the dogs who never learned to read
A febrile shocking violent smack
And the children are hoping for a heart-attack
Tonight the windows are watching, the streets all conspire
And the lamppost can't stop crying
If I could fly high above the world
Would I see a bunch of living dots spell the word stupidity?
Or would I see hungry lover homicides, loving brother suicides
And olly olly oxen frees who pick a side and hide?
The world is scratching at my door
My morning paper's got the scores
The human interest s
beautiful garbage, beautiful dresses
have you ever felt so used up as this?
my name is might've been
my name is never was
my name's Forgotten
she obliterated everything she touched
only us left now
just go nameless
beautiful garbage, beautiful dresses