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Anniversary of her passing

Warning:  This contains language designed to at least elicit a bit of laughter.  Please put beverages down while reading. My rock, my constant source of laughter and total joy... was gone.  At that time, I was also under complete financial duress at the point of coming to grips with being too ill to work and the further slide down of the housing crisis.  I had no money for a plane ticket and nobody was offering from the 'family'.  Her death came as no great surprise as I knew from the previ

2Siamese

2Siamese

 

Still waiting so I surrender

Another week has come and gone and I still know nothing. I called the dr office 3 times. The first time, the dr called and left a message. Since I was working I couldnt answer. She apologized and said she was out for the rest of the day but to call and tell them if ok to leave results on a message. I call back and then nothing. I waited until Monday to call again. The nurse tells me she is out until Tuesday and will leave a message for her. I tell her I am a bit anxious about it. She says that c

aperson

aperson

 

feelings against him

I'm Angry beyond angry , He is a child a child that hurt my child . He is 11 and yes he has down syndrome but that doesn't change what happened what he did. Im more angry with his mother why would she take him to my house ? why would she just let him inside my house? Why did my babysitter let her do it? Why is my biggest question, I did everything I could to protect my children ! Its not right that she gets to walk around with her son and everyone treats him like he's a victim nothing happened t

daughtersmother

daughtersmother

 

My daughters story

I have three beautiful children and a wonderful husband I even had a great job. What I dont have are good family members from my side . In January of 2019 I got a call from my older sister she has 4 kids her husband had hit her and left she was in a bad situation and needed somewhere to go against my gut I went with my husband and picked her and her kids up and took them into my home to live I got her a job with my boss and I got my boss to let her and her children stay in one of her properties

daughtersmother

daughtersmother

 

I reported it

Two days ago I did what I thought I would never have to do. I went to the police station and reported what my stepfather did to me 14 years ago. I went in and I told him everything and the pain I felt with every word was terrible it brought all the feelings right back. He then told me he would go to the DA and that he would charge that monster and arrest him, today I get a phone call from the detective the DA wouldn't just let him take the warrant out they need me to come in for a video taped in

daughtersmother

daughtersmother

 

Nightmares and Insomnia (and swearing!)

I can't fucking sleep! I feel as though I am living out "A Nightmare On Elm Street", and that Freddy Krueger is nipping at my heels. I don't want to go to sleep because of the nightmares I have, but I'm so fucking tired that I can hardly keep my eyes open. Shit! I drink to numb the pain, and to try to go to sleep, but it doesn't work anymore, nor is it a healthy method of coping! I know this! It doesn't actually make any sense for me to not want to fall asleep, yet drink to try to sleep. I

judas10

judas10

 

The short version of my story (TW)

I want to be clear...I self-medicate. I try to numb myself in order to cope with my past. It's not healthy. It's not how I should cope. But, it's my current reality. I don't want to keep this up, nor can I continue to drink like I do and expect my past to go away, or my life to get better. I'm slowly killing myself, and it pisses me off! However, I am currently trying to get into rehab, although my insurance is denying my request (another story)! From the start, I was physically abused by m

judas10

judas10

 

cant get worse

Well, I finally decided it was time to write again. My life has been hell to say the least for the last week. I am on medication and a lot all for my mental health. i have meds  that help with my PTSD, anxiety, anti depressants, sleeping, nightmares/ flashbacks,, hallucintations/voices, a medication to help with the sideaffects and one that is supposed to inhance the meds that i take. i hate taking medication but i know i need them and have come to accept that fact. well, i pick up my meds for t

amallison0084

amallison0084

 

Numb

Its been a long time since I wrote a blog entry. The day we were moving to that 2 bedroom he got wasted and ended up trying to shoot himself. He missed and the bullet went through the apartment on the other side. He was admitted to the hospital and we had to move to a house in the country with roommates. Getting him off drugs and alcohol was hell. He was horrible to me. He started getting better for a few months then he started drinking a little more at a time again. First it was on the weekends

Exdancer1986

Exdancer1986

 

Thank you, Son, for having poop that stinks!

Greetings to all from my neck of the woods, where I seem to have disappeared for a little while.  I've not been completely gone - just keeping myself scarce for no particular reason other than not really having much to report. In my last blog entry, I mentioned that bathroom renovations were underway.  Those renovations have since been completed.  It took a few more days to return my sleep cycle from WAY abnormal back to simply screwed up.  If you're me, there's never going to be a normal.

Capulet

Capulet

 

The wait is nerve racking

It has been 11 days since the biopsy and I have no results. My dr said she would have the results in about a week. It has been 11 days. Early on I was concerned but it was manageable. If the results came back negative for cancer, I would have the lesser invasive procedure that would stop the bleeding. If they were positive, I was prepared to have the hysterectomy and any other procedures to give my body a chance to fight. The longer the wait, the more I am nervous either way. The longer it takes

aperson

aperson

 

Am i deserve it?

It's june already.. my birthday just around the corner.. i don't know what to do.. how to deal with my trauma... i was raped a week after my birthday.. my trauma already come out and haunted my days.. i don't have anyone to talk to.. imsomnia .. depression..  I don't wanna talk to my family.. they don't even believe me.. how will i cope with this situations.... 😭😭😭 Lately i can't sleep.. i feel worthless.. useless.. i hate my self... i can't do this..  Anyways.. i don't have other

After silence

After silence

 

Day 3 - Client Under Siege

I wrote this email July 27, 2008 as a update to my T, who promised to read them while he was on vacation. I lived with my family then and it was pure hell. I had just joined AS, a move that saved my life and gave me a voice. Most of my posts here on AS from back then have been destroyed during the big server crash (es). Some segments of this email is my responses to topics I answered other on but no names will be used.     in so much pain I am hurting so bad, I never hurt so ba

tuliptorn

tuliptorn

 

Daylight and Newer Stuff

Last night I got quite the honor... of being the newest publicity director beginning in July.  I'm a little freaked because my best friend is actually the one with the degree in PR.  We laughed about that when I called her with the good news.  Looks like I'll be brushing up on skills I haven't used in decades and OMG I will have to wear make up daily again.

2Siamese

2Siamese

 

I'M TOXIC

During the last couple months my life has fallen apart and my heart shattered to many times to count. i am just done trying to pick up the pieces its like a puzzle and they wont fit anyway. i used to think i was a good person but i guess that was a lie i told myself to keep going. im coming to the realization that im not a very good person but rather some would say toxic and that hurts to say, but like they say the truth hurts. i dont know where to go from here. i guess realizing the things that

amallison0084

amallison0084

 

Two Years

It’s been two years. Two years of crying at the drop of a hat, two years of wincing anytime I’m touched, two years of fighting to survive. Everyday in those two years I have held back tears when someone looks like you, when I realize what was taken. Two years isn’t a long time, but for me it’s been excruciating. I know your eyes still light up, and I know that you can smile and mean it. Meanwhile, every small smile takes more energy than it should. Every time I laugh, it sounds fake, it feels fa

Darby25

Darby25

 

Bad day?

To whom it may concern, Today, I feel...weird. I don't really feel like its been a bad day. Somehow, I just went through the motions without really realizing what I was doing today. I just kinda snapped into it a few moments ago when I started writing. Seems like I may have been having a few of these days lately but I haven't really realized it 'till now. I know I went to work. I know I smiled and made jokes like I always do. I know I went for a smoke at lunch but I feel like these are some

AllyHatter

AllyHatter

 

There's decaf...or decaf.

Two years ago, when we moved into our new home, our realtor bought us a Keurig machine - this adorable cherry red contraption - and it's been nothing short of amazing to have - especially when there's a need for a 'quick cup.'    While I still drink coffee, it's mostly the iced variety from Dunkin' with a shot of caramel and cream - my Keurig machine has lately been going WEEKS without brewing - it's usually only used when my mother (Oompa) comes for a visit.  She'd come in and ask for a cup of

Capulet

Capulet

 

cards from angels

Well today is Mother's Day and i have been blessed with two little angel girls. although my eldest pasted away i am still now and always will be her mother. my youngest is growing up so fast. mothers day is a bitter sweet day as for one of my angels in heaven and one with me it makes it a sensitive day. my youngest is at that age where she has a million questions about her big sister because she never got to meet her in person. she wants to see the pictures of her big sister and makes comments l

amallison0084

amallison0084

 

Happy mother's day! From a daughter...to her mother.

To whom it may concern, It's mother's day and my mom has been an issue I have stayed away from for quite a while but I think I'm ready to talk about it. I wish it wasn't a issue but sadly it is so here goes. I have a mother. She is not exactly a mom. I wish she could be but she isn't exactly what you would call motherly. I was never able to tell her about my rape. I still couldn't tell her. A few stories for context. My earliest memory about feeling insecure was when I was about 10. My

AllyHatter

AllyHatter

 

Finally free ?

Last week I told my stepdad about my abuse and how it molded the romantic illusion I have had about him since we met, I thought this would break the chains to my deceased emotionally verbal abusive mom but it just exposed to me how vile she was to me, she convinced me he would not understand or believe me and we would never talk again if I told, our and out lies, he believes me and wants to stay in my life as a dad figure, I am once again surprised she can lie so easily to me, her daughter. Had

teleah

teleah

 

Moving is "hell" on the already broken body

Gratefully, I'm lucky.  I'll thank my professional friend for assisting me out of what was supposed to be a temporary move into an actual home.  There's a door open with no strings attached other than providing my new roommate some of my 'dog whisperer' calming techniques for a rescue dog while he is working long hours.  And... my overall healing.  I'm supposed to focus on getting quality sleep in my own bed that has a door.  For somebody with RA like me, the couch in a cramped apartment with my

2Siamese

2Siamese

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