“I’m nothing. I’m just what I am. that’s all.”
I can’t get over this invasive feeling. So I guess I will write about it a little.
I feel if I were somebody else, anybody else, maybe the right people could have cared, could care about me.
If I were a child who had parents that cared for their well being.
if I were a more important human being... because i know if the same friend who knew what was happening to me thought for a second any of her current friends were in dan
Note to myself, new entry at top.
I’ve sleep from around 1h30 am till 9am. A good night of sleep would be 10h and I know I didn’t sleep well cause I moved a lot and my blanket are all around. I remember a little of my dream. Today, I walked after diner with my mom and did nothing after oh a public chat and the nice chat with that good friend. The public chat went well, the first time since I’m using the new chat. I may not end chat mod, but I really want to help people in
I am letting out a few things because I'm feeling tired and sick and am crying in my bedroom
1. You stole something from me that you had no right to take. You have stolen my little brother from me. You replaced him with a monster hiding under my bed, and when I look at you, you still wear his face. You will not take anything else from me. You will not take the progress I made struggling with my mental health for five years. You make me feel like I have to hide my body, like I have to cover
It has been too long since I last wrote.
I started college for the first time a couple of years ago. Things were going well, I had moved onto campus and was living in an apartment with a roommate. For most of the time I had the apartment all to myself as my roommate was rarely home. I think she was living with her grandma or something. Anyway, I preferred to live alone. I was doing ok with classes and working as a student employee as a tutor in the writing lab. I was meeting new people, f
Sometimes, I wonder why did I go back there, I know I said I was use to it since it lasted around 10 years, but I knew I didn’t like it… I should of knew it would happen. Why would it been different than the day before? Why there’s a part of me that keep appreciating him ? He just used me. Did he knew what he was doing ? I love myself on a regular basis, but on that point, I hate myself and I’m far from forgiving myself. I was never drunk (except once but it was long after him, but I drank in hi
Hi guys, just a little blog post.
With what's going on, I've been increasingly finding it difficult to keep up a face that isn't damaged by the relationship rape I went through. (I hate saying that word, it's getting difficult for me to believe myself anymore).
I've told my sibling, but when I did, she just didn't really respond well, which is understandable because it doesn't sound believable. I don't think she understands how people can remember a few years down the line. So I don't
All these years I thought I was strong. I thought I was able to handle anything life threw at me, if I was just strong enough. So I played the role. And I believed it. I believed I was okay because the only other option was too hard to deal with. The truth is, I don't think I was strong enough to process everything I had gone through. So I threw it away. I got rid of my past and I made myself into someone else. The only problem was that I didn't know who I was. I still don't.
I didn't forg
Growing up, I was homeschooled. In third grade, my dad lost his job and my mom went back to work. So now my dad was in charge of my younger brother and me while my mom was at work. Everyday when he was done with his lunch, he would go to the master bedroom to rest. Since my brother and I were younger, he made us come in to the room with him so we wouldn't be unsupervised. We had to be quiet, and it was a king sized bed so we would just nap with him. This went on for a while and was fine.
So I’ve been a member on here for quite some time. I’ve never had the courage to post anything of my own. Now I’m in desperate need of support and very ashamed to ask for it.
I have lived alone for a while now. At work, I’m usually surrounded by the love and laughter of people all day. When I come home, I’m too exhausted to even think, but in the best way possible. I feel full. With everything going on in the world, I am working from home. Alone. And that is a bad combination.
All last night I had the same dream, over and over.
The man who abused me as a child suddenly got charged (by another one of his victims) and was going to trial and I was called to testify before an entire room full of people. One of the jury memebers was someone I knew.
The judge kept asking me for details. The whole room was silent, listening to me and I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even look up. I was so ashamed. I didn’t know how to tell them I had no evidence//that I couldn’t even
I don’t expect anyone to read this.
About two years ago I realized I didn’t make it up.
The feeling can all at once and it was overwhelming. Terrifying. Horrifying. I was filthy, dirty, disgusting, used goods and completely ALONE. I couldn’t cope so I pushed it back down, but I couldn’t make it stop. It was always there. Dull-fever pain. You can live with it, but it makes your life miserable.
Back and forth. It resurges and I push it down. I get triggered and I ignore it, or I t
Hey, everyone. It’s been a while.
Well, longer for you than it has been for me. I wrote a blog a few weeks ago and never posted it. I guess I was ashamed of the content in that blog. I thought it was something I wanted to talk about but, I was wrong. Having one of my closest friends tell me how wrong I was…that didn’t help. So, I didn’t post it, but I DID write it. For me, I had just released all my pent-up energy and I haven’t had much else to write about. Not until now, anyway.
I am writing this at 3am I have to be up by 7am for work so tomorrow/today should be real fun. I have been so overwhelmed and anxious/stressed lately. I have had a lot going on in life and worrying about my loved ones during this time and other normal life problems but on top of all of that I have been struggling with feeling like when it comes to my family that I will always be "The Victim" and I knew going into this and telling my family about my assault that there was a chance that would happ
Hello from me in isolation - how's everyone doing? It's the first time I'm blogging whilst in quarantine - you'd think I have all the time in the world, but even I'm having trouble getting used to a routine that I have no choice but to conform to for the time being.
We are amid some very hard times, friends. Very uncertain and very unsettling times. I've taken several steps back from Facebook and only check my feed once or twice a day - all of the COVID-19 jokes are starting to become an
It has been a long few weeks of intrusive, random memories coming back to me that I for some reason never put a lot of thought into back then or blocked from my mind for whatever reason. Plus the pieces of memories I have that don't have a beginning or an end to their story and it only makes it more confusing and uncomfortable. Just need to jot them down as I remember to make sense of my thoughts so it doesn't become too hectic in my head
I think some of this is coming from DS watching seq
I have decided to write about the individual experiences I have had with other questionable situations I was in. Some of these things have really been bothering me and I hope giving them an actual written outlet besides a snippet of "oh, this happened too but it's not a big deal" because it is really bothering me lately. I think it had been overshadowed by my more violent trauma. My head is spinning with self blame, shame, grief. I just wish I could have realized things and spoke up for myself m
This virus has caused a core subject of my abuse, shame and emotional abuse. Tw.....When I was seven our town was hit by a flood, our street was flooded and we had no water so we used a bucket for 3 or 4 days so I ended up sick, constipated, causing my mother to shame me in front of my dad and my older brother, which was my normal , then my friend Susie came over to ask me to play and my mom said not until I pooped in the bucket, I felt such deep shame, I still do, she installed that shame in me
It has taken me a bit to have the time to write this, but I am glad to be finally doing so
About two months ago, I saw a post on After Silence called "Description of Consent" and there were tons of examples of what is considered a consensual situation and what isn't considered consensual. Well, when I read the list, a few things stuck out to me. And I realized my initial sexual encounter with an old friend DJ was rape (and another sexual encounter I had was also not as consensual a
To whom it may concern,
I apologise for today's entry. I'm writing it on my phone. I've never been afraid to lose someone. Like relationship wise. I usually am with a person because they seem like they like having me around and I like having someone around. Anyone...I just figured...I dont really get feelings. At least not those kinds...or maybe I already feel them and I dont even know it!...
Then I met jill. She's so strange haha. And makes me feel so strange...she is unsocial and sca
This year has really just sucked. This week in particular has really just dumped it on. We are in the US and I know we are one of the last ones to implement changes to combat this virus, but they announced yesterday that our schools will be closed until at least April 14th. This is fine, but our jobs still exist so it's a fun little game we are playing trying to organize everything. It's necessary, I agree with the restrictions and they should probably be tighter, but it's very stressful. It fee
It's been a rough, ROUGH few weeks. I'm not really wanting to rehash on things and put too many details here, but I did want to let everyone know that things have been stressful and difficult as of late. I'm still around, though, no worries!!! It seems that no matter what's happening in my life, this remains my safe space, the place where I feel most comfortable, and where I 'escape.'
I know I've been extremely neglectful to my blog, my and to my kitchen sink, among other things. I've
So, shock to me, didn't actually discuss any of what I thought we would this week at therapy. She asked about something from the week before and it divulged into a discussion about my father and growing up. He was not physically abusive to me in any way but he's the biggest narcissistic in the world and that was very often emotionally abusive. We have a much better relationship now than we did before and he's still a jerk sometimes, all the time to my stepmom but they have been married 25 year