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We were kids, you presented it as a game and I joined. We played it for years. You wanted to stopped, so we did. You wanted to start again years after stopping we did start again. We you, I discovered my body, I discovered what I'd like or hate to feel. I'd learn my limits. I thought it was a game and then I was use to it. You manipulated me in order to get what you wanted.
Maybe you loved me more than a friend, but if so why didn't you respected me when I said no multiples time.
sick of all these people talking
sick of all this noise
sick of being poised
now my neck is open wide
begging for a fist around it
already choking on my pride
i'm headed straight for the castle
they want to make me their queen
and there's someone sitting on the throne,
saying that I probably shouldn't be so mean
sick of all these minutes passing
sick of feeling used
if you want to break these walls down
you're going to get bruised
straight for the castle
So, the past month has been kindof an exercise in how much stress I can handle.
My niece and nephew started school. They have a hybrid model, so they are home two days/week and in person three days. At first I was super concerned about them being exposed to other kids at school and bringing home whatever cold is going around. But now I'm kinda at the point where I just need a break.
They have just absolutely forgotten a whole bunch of social skills and somewhere in the last 6 months th
I only started signing on here and already this community means so much to me... each of your stories, your kind, funny, intelligent and courageous personalities that sparkle through the comments and posts offering courage, humor, compassion, creativity and hope. Already, being here has helped me feel so much less alone than I thought would ever happen, and it has stirred up a lot in me. Some of that has been really hard: I had one of the absolute worst flashbacks I have had in a decade, I have
Drag him out your window
Dragging out the dead
Singing "I miss you so"
Snakes and ladders
Flip the lid
Out pops the cracker
Smacks you in the head
Knifes you in the neck
Kicks you in the teeth
Steel toe caps
Let me back, let me back
I promise to be good
Don't look in the mirror
At the face you don't recognize
Help me, call the doctor, put me aside
Put me aside, put me aside,
Put me aside, put me aside
I keep the wolf from the door but he calls me up
I just woke up from a "nap" (I fell asleep at 6, woke up at 9:30) feeling incredibly sad. I went in to my roommates bed and laid down next to him and told him I was feeling depressed and he asked me why but I found myself having trouble communicating, which happens often for me. I told him I wasn't sure why I was feeling that way but I think I have a pretty good idea of why. A lot of has happened in this last week. In my prior posts I talked about staying at my moms, at my roommates (ex boyfrien
seems that she disappeared without a trace
i made a point to burn all of the photographs
she went away and then I took a different path
i remember the face, but I can't recall the name
now i wonder how whatsername has been
and in the darkest night
if my memory serves me right
i'll never turn back time
forgetting you, but not the time
it seems like forever ago
are useless in my mind
she's in my head, i must confess
it feels like forever ago
are useless in my mind
she's in my head from long ago
Take away the sensation inside
Bittersweet migraine in my head
It's like a throbbing toothache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensation's overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
And everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
Give me Novocaine
Out of body and out of mind
Kiss the demons out of my dreams
I get the funny feeling that's alright
Jimmy says it's better than air,
I am not knowing where to put this, so I thought I would just put it here... <shrug>
I'm feeling a bit tender and emotionally sore this morning. I pushed too hard yesterday, opened a door that had been well wedged closed because I so wanted to bring it to light, but then I had the worst flashback last night that I've had in years. Most of my flashbacks these days are at worst like having a sort of double exposure, I'm here and now and the bad experience is overlaid on top, so it get
I lost my half sister nine months ago and I am so lost in self hate, self blame, I have spent weeks sexting strange men to distract myself from my grief. My grief is for the loss of her, but she was it, my last blood. I grieve I wasted so much time, envious that she got the safe dad, so much time wasted lost in my pain of my past, I didn't get to love her in the present for the fragile flower my sister was not the entitled princess I had written her to be. I am so lost, lost in sexual addiction,
t h e w o r m s w i l l c o m e f o r y o u t h e w o r m s w i l l c o m e f o R y o u t h e w O r m s w i l l c o m e f o r y o U t H e w o r m S w i l l C o m e f o r Y o u t h e w o R m s w i l L c O m e F o r y o u t h
I feel angry right now. I feel so JEALOUS. I suffer from insufferable panic attacks. This week I have been doing something I shouldn't, where I am taking Klonopin around 9pm to help with my night time anxiety. I always tell myself and others, I only take it when I need it, as to not come off as some drug addict. Completely ashamed every time I reach for the bottle. Tomorrow I have to call my psych and tell her my script is running low, even though she only filled it 3 months ago. I know she's go
I was walking the dog in the front yard yesterday afternoon.
The Daughter, who's been attending school remotely 3x per week (the other two days, she is IN the actual brick-and-mortar school) came out and said she was finished with her last class (it was about 2:45pm) and in a sing-songy voice, she says, "it's the weeeeeeeeekend!"
I suppose it is. TGIF? At the time I started writing this, it was still Friday.
She then tilted her head towards the heavens, and smiled. "I can smel
I have trouble with the passage of time. The beginning of last week started out really painful and emotional. I was out of my apartment because of the situation I wrote about two blog posts ago, and I was facing two weeks at my mothers house. I was in a state of complete anger and delusion. I was redirecting all that anger towards my roommate/ex/best friend because he was, "kicking me out." Now, those two weeks are almost up. Things don't feel as painful or emotional and I don't feel as angry an
Let me know if anyone can relate...
I have three therapists. One is a talk therapist, where we discuss past traumas and day to day stressors. One is a DBT (dialectical behavioral therapist) therapist and with her we try to work on my anxiety disorder as well as my borderline personality disorder. This is the therapy where I create my tools and learn how to implement them. Meditation, grounding techniques, deep breathing. Lastly, I have my psychiatrist. This woman is a Dr. and nothing more.