All these intrusive thoughts swimming through my head again. It’s agonizing. I really feel I can’t trust a lot of people. I feel like if I opened up even more with every body They’d think I was crazy or gross or perverted. When I say open up I’m talking about my experiences with men after I was assaulted. I got into some weird things. It makes me question my preferences and if everything I love about sex and relationships comes from a dark and twisted place as I said in my last blog post.
go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go a
i know i'm nothing but a ghost
an empty shell built of lies
if honesty seems like such a wonderful thing -
i'm just a wandering spirit, dead and gone
a blank void, empty as can be
(DECO*27 - ghost rule)
I really just want to be a good person. Be a good sister, daughter, aunt friend and worker. I just want to help others. But you cant do that when you need help yourself. But that's what I want. I want to be normal with feelings. I want to be able to relate to others in a genuine way.
That's what they took. My ability to be any of those things. My belief that I will ever be any of those thing. Nothing will ever be the same. Even after all these years, I am still grieve the loss of the future
I know it's been a while....I sincerely apologize for not taking the time (and there's been plenty of it) to fill everyone in on the happenings of my life. It seems that any accompanying promise to try to be better at updating my blog is one that's become harder to keep, so I'll simply not promise - I will, however, try to re-embrace writing as a means of release. Those of you who have gotten to know me over some time also know that writing is my biggest means of processing
Everything seems so distorted and tainted. I feel like my relationships and sexuality come from a dark place. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been traumatized and have been in bad situations. It’s hard to talk about because It makes me feel sick. Relationships, desires, and sexuality are suppose to make you feel liberated not like there’s something wrong with you.
I got more promiscuous after I was sexually assaulted. I went on dates with men I barley knew and would let the ma
To collapse completely. I'm seen as a tank my my friends. They don't even know what happened during too many years... I always keep going forward, I aim and reach my objectives. During college I collapsed for the first time. I stopped college, but I kept going to school after. When I dropped, I reoriented myself. Anyways, I didn't like it. I never took a break to think, it was a continuous reflections. I ended working, went back to school and now working and studying to reach the last level of m
my body is not an object.
my body does not belong to you.
my body belongs to ME.
i WILL train my body to protect MYSELF.
i WILL take back ownership of my body.
screw you and what you 'want' my body to look like.
my body is mine.
not yours to shape or dictate.
YOU DON'T OWN ME.
you can't decide what i should look like.
i am a person. my body is part of my person.
my body is not an object.
it is the physical form of a person.
i don't exist here on this
I am broken. Sometimes it is hard to come to terms with that fact. Being broken and trying to grow is pointless. I cant grow because I will always be broken. I cant move on because I am broken.
I dont like these feelings. I dont want these feelings. I am sorry that I have these feelings and cant move past them. I am sorry that I learned to protect myself too late. I am sorry I am not brave. I am sorry I brought shame to myself and my family. I am sorry that I allow this to affect people I c
I feel like I am getting close to a breaking point and there is no one I can turn to. I am being swallowed by the pain. There are storms building up inside and they will merge into one soon. I just dont know that I can stop what is coming.
This pain is so unbearable. Living with the hurt and shame is unbearable. I just want to not feel this bad so much. I want to stop remembering and feeling. They haunt me. They taunt me by living life like I didnt exist. Enjoying their days and building m
I try to draw the bad stuff then add the good stuff in after to calm myself down. I kept going back and forth thinking of more bad stuff. I was triggered yesterday and got a phone call today that just made me feel “naked in front of a crowd”. I guess drawing helps me realize that I’m confused and struggling going back and forth really trying to keep myself out of the dark place.
I'm afraid that
whatever anyone might say
I'll always be like this
I cast down my eyes
Beside all my severed bonds
Even if I'm so lonely that I cry
It doesn't seem to matter
Curling up alone all those times
the feeling tightens around my chest
and digs in its fangs
Whatever I say to someone
There's no turning back
However many times I cry
I fear I'll never reach anyone
Cracks run their way through my heart
Even if I hug my knees and cry
I'm afraid noth
You know, I started this journey because I needed to make an effort to deal with my past. But I am no better off than when I started 11 years ago. I thought I would eventually be able to say the words. That I would learn the skills to deal with this in a healthy manner. But I fear I am in the same position. I am still holding on to it and holding back from others.
Just when I believe I am making progress, something happens and I realize I am not. I still push away everyone. I stop calling.