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Blessing in Disguise

Well, I had a feeling this day was going to come. I have been tryiing to complete a rigorous grad school program for some time now. My struggles with trauma have been interfering with my performance in school. This week it caught up with me, and after finding out i failed a course I finally decided to take a medical leave of absence. I won't go back to school until next fall. Weirdly I feel an overwhelming sense of relief. Trying to run on empty dealing with trauma, family issues, and grad schoo

searchingformore

searchingformore

 

Fresh start?

I haven't been on here for a while. I have been making progress but things are still incredibly difficult right now. I am swamped with grad school and trying to get a handle on my mental health. I am past the point of feeling numb, but I am only just starting to really feel my emotions again and I am learning how to manage them. My goal right now is to work on discovering things I enjoy. I have been in a pretty big slump and putting all my time and energy into grad school but burning myself out

searchingformore

searchingformore

 

Counseling Appointment Coming Up

So I have my very first counseling appointment coming up on Thursday morning and let me tell you, I am very scared for what is about to happen.  Getting this appointment has been a roller coaster of emotions, cause they had to put me on a waiting list before I actually got this appointment, and it has been very annoying for me to deal with scheduling it because I have had a very busy month and have literally no time to myself to relax, unless I compromise schoolwork, working, and/or everything e

elaina

elaina

 

I Just Really Don't Understand

I know, I know. I’ve been completely absent for entirely too long and for that, I do sincerely apologize. Aside from the fact that this weekend was insanely busy, I just haven’t had much to report. Nothing aside from the normal every day stuff that happens. But alas, here I am, which means I have an update. Well, sort of. I have a few things on my mind that I think I want to write about just so I can do some decluttering up there and breathe a little easier. I’ll start off with some go

Poppy_

Poppy_

 

Goodbyes

My daughter is moving out soon, as in a week to live with her boyfriend, this has triggered so many memories of goodbyes. My first goodbye I can remember was my safe grandpa passing, I was not allowed to say goodbye because it was my job to make sure mom was ok while my dad played the role of concerned dad taking us to a park and telling not to cry or we would get it later, so I smiled and played with my brother all day. The second goodbye was my dad walking out the last time, before that he had

teleah

teleah

 

Aftermath

I managed to put it behind me, or so I thought, in time for my A-Level exams. After the two months of exams, it hit me like a truck about what happened. I hadn't forgotten, it kept me up at night. I would randomly wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. I thought that, if I move to a new city for university, I wouldn't feel so scared, so afraid of people. So, I accepted my place at a university. I had to move into a house with two guys and three other girls.  I thought I could

New Uni Student

New Uni Student

 

September 2019

What a month! I've gotten swamped with work, community theater has my evenings kept busy, and I've been helping out at the local animal shelter. All of which has left me busy beyond belief, exhausted, and struggling to just function. Forget gettting further on my healing journey. I also won't be able to see my therapist for another 2 weeks. So that's not so fun. About a week and a half ago I relasped into my self injury momentarily. I had a terrrible nightmare and lizard brain kicked in to

rakit

rakit

 

It's Been a Year Since We Moved 2,975 Miles

One year ago I was driving across country alone with Miss Sasha. We had just left the East Coast on a Saturday with M driving and on Sunday I dropped him off in Kansas City to fly on so he could start work the next day. Sasha and I would continue onwards from Kansas City, Missouri into Hays, Kansas where we stopped for the night. So, that day I ended up driving 4.5 more hours after dropping off M at 2:00 p.m. This would be my first night of staying by myself and having to unload all of the stuff

AKB

AKB

 

Corndogs and Fried Pies

Hello, friends. Welcome to my Wednesday catch up session! I guess it’s been about a week since my last blog entry. I have been struggling the past couple of days, but I am feeling much better right now. Progress, right? This weekend was INSANE for me! I was crazy busy Thursday through Sunday and am just now finally starting to feel like I can relax. I suppose I did some relaxing on Saturday, but I made a dumb decision and decided to watch the new show Unbelievable on Netflix. In my def

Poppy_

Poppy_

 

Am I Not Good Enough?

So I finally decided to stop pushing off making a counseling appointment yesterday.  I was going to get the free counseling for students they offer for everyone.  Well  I called yesterday and they said I would have to wait until the office manager called me today to sort things out, which I found annoying but I could live with.  Well this morning before my classes, I saw I had a missed call and voicemail from an unknown number.  The message was telling me that they didn't have room for them to t

elaina

elaina

 

The Beginning

April 2019; it was close to my A-Level exams so I was already stressed. I was already suffering from depression, for about 5 years at that point. I was walking home from work, it was a Saturday evening and I live near quite a few pubs so there were lots of people drinking and standing outside. I’m used to getting harassed by drunk guys who stand outside the pubs but they’ve never done anything. This time was different.  This was the last pub I had to go past before I would be on my street;

New Uni Student

New Uni Student

 

Better late than never!

Hi, everyone!! Hoping you're all doing well.  I know my updates are getting more rare, and for that, I do apologize.   I'm really trying to get back into my writing habits, but it seems I've been experiencing some cloudiness.  More on that as we continue. I'm hanging in there, though, as best as I can.   School is in full swing, now.  We're now in our third week.  I've just received this morning the date of my first midterm...yep, you read correctly - we're ALREADY getting ready f

Capulet

Capulet

 

The Closet

This post contains graphic details of sexual assault. Please take caution reading ahead.    Well, happy Tuesday, everyone! I’ve gotten over the idea of posting once a week and always posting on the same day. While in theory that was a good idea, my life demands my attention to other things and sometimes I need to write about the stuff that I just can’t get out of my head. Today is one of those days. My mind is swimming in thoughts and ideas and memories and until I get them out on

Poppy_

Poppy_

 

Step I/Question X: Do you nurture yourself and reach out for support?

I do try to nurture myself.  I have my hobbies that I am starting to get back into.  I exercise and try to eat healthy.  I try to do things for myself.  Always looking for ways to better myself, which I feel is a form of nurture - to nurture those things that make me, me.   Reaching out for support would be a NO.  I attend SIA - 12 step meeting for Survivors of Incest.  I get to hear other survivors struggles and hope and I get to share...when I can bring myself to.  And I go to premarital

Freyja Lee

Freyja Lee

 

Step I/Question IX: Are you in touch with your feelings now?

Am I in touch with my feelings now?  Definitely not.  This is one of the biggest issues with my abuse.  As I've mentioned, I don't struggle with flashbacks, etc.  My struggle is my disassociation with myself and those closest with me. Which is because I am not in touch with my feelings.  I feel like I go through life emotionally flatlining.  I'm not in touch with my anger, which I feel is a good thing, but I am also not in touch with my happiness.  I have so much in my life to be excited about,

Freyja Lee

Freyja Lee

 

Puzzle Pieces

This post contains very graphic references to sexual abuse. I ask that you would not read ahead if you are not in the mind to do so. Please proceed with caution.    I know what you’re thinking. ‘Poppy, this isn’t a Friday! Speaking of Friday, where the heck were you this week?’ My apologies to everyone that keeps up with my blog entries weekly or those of you that were looking forward to a post from me. I was taking a small break from AS after some events that transpired an

Poppy_

Poppy_

 

Back from my bl-iatus!

Wow. I know I haven't been here in a while.   I wish I could say that my OCD over posting my three installments in order, without a random blog in between that would 'interrupt the flow' was my sole reason for this blog-hiatus (or a 'bl-iatus') but I'd be lying through my fingers. I just haven't been feeling it.  This summer has been a rough one - and I've only shared with a select few, the details that have kept me somewhat absent from my blog.  While I've remained a constant presence here

Capulet

Capulet

 

My Tiny Bowl of Fruit

Ah, at last, another Friday is upon us. I have been anxiously waiting to write this blog, not because I have some grand plan, but just for the simple fact that I have missed writing and sharing with you all. These blog posts may become more frequent than just once per week! The second day will most likely be as much of a surprise to you as it will be to me. I know you’re wondering about today’s topic – I, too, am wondering. I am anticipating this to be more of a word vomit session than

Poppy_

Poppy_

 

Step I/Question VIII: How has the abuse affected how you function sexually? (TW)

Thank goodness it doesn't affect me the way it use to!!! There use to be a lot of shame around sex/masturbation.  A lot of the sex I had was for the other person, not for myself.  Even if I wanted to be sexual as well, once we started, it was as if I removed myself from it and just went through the motions of whatever the other person wanted to do.  And even though I've had many giving partners who were looking to take care of me, not just themselves, and I wanted it/them too, once, we

Freyja Lee

Freyja Lee

 

Step I/Question VIII: How has the abuse affected how you function sexually? (TW)

Thank goodness it doesn't affect me the way it use to!!! There use to be a lot of shame around sex/masturbation.  A lot of the sex I had was for the other person, not for myself.  Even if I wanted to be sexual as well, once we started, it was as if I removed myself from it and just went through the motions of whatever the other person wanted to do.  And even though I've had many giving partners who were looking to take care of me, not just themselves, and I wanted it/them too, once, we

Freyja Lee

Freyja Lee

 

Step I/Question VII: How has the abuse affected how you feel about your body?

Step I/Question VII:  How has the abuse affected how you feel about your body? For one, the abuse made me HATE MY BODY.  I will write on this after. For two, the abuse made me HATE ME.  I hated myself so much.  I hated everything about me.  On top of all the sexual abuse, my mom was an alcoholic/drug addict who would beat and abandon my brother and I, until my dad got custody of us when I was 6.  My dad was an alcoholic/drug addict who was physically, mentally and emotionally a

Freyja Lee

Freyja Lee

 

Revisions Pt. 4

By the time I actively started looking for a counselor, I knew that in all likelihood what he gave me was ketamine. It was the only drug I found that explained the condition I’d been in, and once I figured that out I spoke with a pharmacist, an ER doctor (through the pharmacist), and an addiction treatment center to confirm that I was on the right track. I didn’t even mention ketamine to them when I contacted them. I only described the symptoms, made sure they knew it was in combination with a l

Amsekhmet

Amsekhmet

 

Revisions Pt.3

Posted Thursday at 09:14 AM (edited) I had tried to stay awake, I didn’t want the vulnerability of sleep, but I couldn’t manage it. I woke up again after only a few hours, not long after dawn, when normally I sleep like a rock for as long as anyone will let me. Everything came rushing back and I stayed still, trying to make sense of it, trying to decide if any of it had actually happened or not. The whole thing just seemed so unreal, like it just wasn’t possible. That wasn’t like him at all, p

Amsekhmet

Amsekhmet

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