My sister Carina passed two long weeks ago, I went home for the funeral and ended up going through her belongings from 32 short years. I kept some of her books, her electic cd collection and some of her sketches, which all fit into six boxes which are now being shipped to me. I do not want the damn boxes, I want her back, I want to hear her whine about her room mates, laugh at her dating disasters, then tell her how sorry I am I believed my mom when she told me she was the strong one, the one wh
I'm sitting here thinking about the past and the future.
Wondering how different my life could be right now if I had done even one little thing differently.
This time last year I was stressing hard, trying to find a job and divorce lawyer.
This year I'm sitting here regretting my decision to get back with my husband 8 months ago.
He has never been stable, honest, trust worthy, or loyal.
I used to be in love with him, now I love him but it's not even close to the same.
I've never tried anything like this before, so if you're taking the time to read this please bear with me.
I am a victim of early childhood sexual abuse that I repressed until I was 10, even then I couldn't clearly remember who did it.
I knew who, but I was in denial due to my love and admiration for the person during the years of not remembering.
It hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized I wasn't wrong.
I still couldn't come forward.
I was afraid of being c
Well, folks, I think I’m making progress!
In some areas, it seems things are really regressing and I feel like a failure. In other areas, I can feel healing happening and trust blooming and progress being made. I took a HUGE step with The New Guy this weekend. I mean – huge. It may seem insignificant to some of you, but for me this was a really big deal. I was going to keep this private, but I’ve decided that I want to share. I haven’t updated you all since I posted my story and it’s long o
I REALLY should be studying for final exams right now. I do have three this week that I'm NOT toooooo worried about, content-wise. I know the material, I'm confident I'll be fine with these three. There will be two next week that this coming weekend will be devoted to studying for. Although I'm likely fine, the over-achieving side of me is thinking, 'I am NOT finished until I turn in my last final exam...'
I came home from school today (we had a snow day yesterday) with in
Haven't been on here in a couple weeks... figured an update was in order. I was able to take a full time position working as a physical therapy aide in a well known private clinic. I am LOVING the job and all the people I work with. It is nice feeling like i have a place that I fit in. I have been working on doing more things that I enjoy. Exploring cute little cafes and other spots in the city I'm working in has been very rewarding. However, I find that I am still struggling to find a sense of
So, this is something my therapist suggested I do and I've decided to try it. Basically it's a letter to myself to try to process my anger at myself over the things I feel I did that contributed to what happened.
So how do you talk yourself in a letter? Starting it with "Dear Me," seems a little awkward, but who cares. Here goes. God, this feels weird...
What do I want to say to you? That you messed up in a lot of respects that night? Well, yeah, you did, but so what? Everyone do
So, I heard something on the radio the other morning which I know has been a HUGE struggle for me over the years. Being vulnerable. Being vulnerable has always been a huge struggle for me. I hardly let anyone see any of my emotions or internal struggles. In the 4th grade, I asked for a new bike for my birthday. I wasn’t sure that my parents would be able to afford one but that was the only thing that I wanted. The day of my birthday, I got my bike. Internally, I was ecstatic because I know they
My brother was my best friend he was supposed to come here this year and spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my daughter and I. since he took his life he took that away from me and from my daughter. I am still trying to find my place in the world without him. going through the recent sexual assult I would have turned to him but hes not there. im alone in my head trying to wrap my brain around everything that has happened. I just don't know how to stay strong and im exhausted. why couldn't he c
I finally got approval for my surgery after months of dealing with my blood pressure. I am now 3 days after surgery. I will say I was a bit worried of how I would be enotiinally but it all seemed to go so well. I slept off the anesthesia day 1 with very minimal after effects. I had no bleeding and by bedtime very minimal cramping. But I could feel the emotions starting to trickle in. Day 2 was different. No cramping. No bleeding and the emotions had subsided. I thought this will be a breeze. No
The last few days I have felt like my brain is attacking me. My body feels distant, it's like I'm floating when I walk. Been indulging in sh, which is not good, but it really brings me back and puts my feet on the ground. It also brings a welcome sense of calm.
I should eat more. I know it's a warning sign when I forget to eat or just can't be bothered to make it happen. Especially because when I'm me, I love food 😉
I'm not sure what else to add, but felt I should use something as a s
I think it’s time.
Let me back up a bit. First, I want to say hello to all of you and say that I hope you’re enjoying the impending holiday season! I love the holidays and I’m looking forward to my mini vacation next week. That being said, I want to let you all know that I am taking a few days away from AS. If you’re someone that I see around a lot on the boards, or talk to frequently, just know that I will return! I am leaving next week to drive to Nashville, Tennessee for a church confere
So I'm going to leave the last post up, I guess. It was actually the third one I wrote, but I deleted the previous two out of fear and anxiety. I've only ever had one good therapist, and in fact she was amazing. I told her some things that happened to me, but it was always highly sanitized. And she was great because she knew I was holding plenty back, but she let me go at my own pace and never tried to force me to discuss things I didn't want to. And whenever I got overwhelmed, she let me change
I've been using this site for a week or so now. It has felt really liberating. There's something great about saying things I hold onto that are true, but that I don't think anyone in my life should hear. Like the csa or physical abuse, it's something I want to express, to feel heard or validated I guess, but that I don't want to burden the people I love with. So, in that spirit, I'll use this platform to express something else that I've harbored forever. I have had gender dysphoria for as long a
So, it's been over two months since I moved to University. I haven't been able to go home because I'm so scared that I will bump into him and he will do what he keeps telling me he wants to do to me. My depression has been getting so much worse and I've been contemplating ending my life so many times. I'm getting better at hiding my fear of men now. But it builds up and I have to leave before I have a panic attack. When I see large groups of guys, I have to take a completely different root. I've
well, trying to do everything in my power to make things right and mend the bridges I have burnt. not sure if it is working but I guess its going to be worth the try. Since my brother took his life in march I realize just how much I miss him in my life. I find myself doing things and then random thoughts about him sneak in. I still grieve the loss of my best friend. I am saddened because my daughter doesn't get to know him and he would of loved her. she kept him drug free for 9 months. but when
The first time that I talked to you.
July 9th 2017
I honestly don't quite remember the very first date that we talked, but I do remember July 9th. I remember being on video call with you for over 5 hours. I remember you telling me how you couldn't wait to see me the next day. I also remember you telling me you loved me. At that moment you didn't seem concerned about my age at all, you didn't even seem bothered by the fact that I didn't want to show my face at first. I remember in that
It’s been awhile since I hopped on here. I found this support group app and it was really helping. Until I got trolled yesterday. A person I was talking to created another profile started talking to me under that one and then threw what I had told the original profile in my face. And honestly after everything I’ve gone through I felt violated. My anxiety hasn’t ceased since this happened last night. It feels like wherever I go people will use my past against me.
It feels like the last couple of months has gone by in a blur. I'm starting to realize the true meaning of the statement, 'too much time on your hands.' When I had it, (it being time) my mind wouldn't shut up. I had so much more to say. I looked at things sooooo differently. I'd have TIME to sift through whatever was swimming around in there - now, all that's in there is numbers, formulas, political definitions, social work case studies (hypothetical ones), papers that w
I owe you an update.
My last blog was… interesting to say the least. It wasn’t my best work and I’m sure it wasn’t a very good read either. I will say that it did help me to write all of that out and process it a little easier. Breaking things down like that gives me a chance to analyze and really think things out – and that’s what I did. Now, it’s been almost 3 weeks since my last blog. Yikes. I started another blog a little over a week ago and I never finished it. I was lacking motivation
At 1:09 am, I texted my best friend. “Are you awake, by any chance?”
He wasn’t, but if he had been, I’d already imagined the conversation we would have. I would tell him, “S*** just groped me while he thought I was sleeping. It kind of weirded me out.” He would reply, “OMG, straight men are so creepy!” And we would laugh about it a little, and then I’d go back to sleep.
The imagined conversation was at odds with how I was actually feeling: panicked, disoriented,
He barely touched me, he just moved the parts of me he needed to aside like I was a piece of furniture, never saying a word and barely glancing at me the entire time. My feet had been together, and I remember him going all the way to the end of the bed to pick up my leg by the ankle and move it away from the other. I had tried so hard to push back against his hand when he did that, thinking maybe that little bit of momentum would allow me to pick up control of the muscles, but of course it didn'
Actually left my apartment of my own choice today. Not because of work, not because I promised someone I would do something or be somewhere. Just decided to get out for me. Walked down street and back. Picked up some junk food on the way back. Was gone for about 20 minutes, during which I realized it had been a very long time since I did that.
It's the first time I've left the apartment because I wanted to, rather than needed to or promised to, in about...a month? Maybe longer?