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not yours

my body is not an object. my body does not belong to you. my body belongs to ME. i WILL train my body to protect MYSELF. i WILL take back ownership of my body. screw you and what you 'want' my body to look like. my body is mine. not yours to shape or dictate. YOU DON'T OWN ME. you can't decide what i should look like. i am a person. my body is part of my person. my body is not an object. it is the physical form of a person. guess what? i don't exist here on this

purge

purge

 

Sorry

I am broken. Sometimes it is hard to come to terms with that fact. Being broken and trying to grow is pointless. I cant grow because I will always be broken. I cant move on because I am broken. I dont like these feelings. I dont want these feelings. I am sorry that I have these feelings and cant move past them. I am sorry that I learned to protect myself too late. I am sorry I am not brave. I am sorry I brought shame to myself and my family. I am sorry that I allow this to affect people I c

aperson

aperson

 

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good luck, bitter cold in my heart there's a hole

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purge

 

Close to the edge

I feel like I am getting close to a breaking point and there is no one I can turn to. I am being swallowed by the pain. There are storms building up inside and they will merge into one soon. I just dont know that I can stop what is coming.  This pain is so unbearable. Living with the hurt and shame is unbearable. I just want to not feel this bad so much. I want to stop remembering and feeling. They haunt me. They taunt me by living life like I didnt exist. Enjoying their days and building m

aperson

aperson

 

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don't try to fight the storm you'll tumble overboard

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purge

 

Triggered

I try to draw the bad stuff then add the good stuff in after to calm myself down. I kept going back and forth thinking of more bad stuff. I was triggered yesterday and got a phone call today that just made me feel “naked in front of a crowd”. I guess drawing helps me realize that I’m confused and struggling going back and forth really trying to keep myself out of the dark place. 

Viceless

Viceless

 

17-grooming?

🤢 These situations are the first ones I can remember where my personal space began being invaded. Before the actual sexual touching these things stand out as I guess what I would consider "grooming" even though I never considered myself "groomed" by him because he was never really nice to me, he just intimidated me.   I had asked a question one time close to the end of class but he ended up fucking around until the bell went off. After class I just stayed in my assigned seat
 

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I'm afraid that whatever anyone might say I'll always be like this I cast down my eyes Beside all my severed bonds Even if I'm so lonely that I cry It doesn't seem to matter Curling up alone all those times the feeling tightens around my chest and digs in its fangs Whatever I say to someone There's no turning back However many times I cry I fear I'll never reach anyone Cracks run their way through my heart Even if I hug my knees and cry I'm afraid noth

purge

purge

 

17.7.2020

stacked actors, stacked to the rafters line up the actors all i want is the truth

purge

purge

 

11 yrs and no progress

You know, I started this journey because I needed to make an effort to deal with my past. But I am no better off than when I started 11 years ago. I thought I would eventually be able to say the words. That I would learn the skills to deal with this in a healthy manner. But I fear I am in the same position. I am still holding on to it and holding back from others. Just when I believe I am making progress, something happens and I realize I am not. I still push away everyone. I stop calling.

aperson

aperson

 

dream

take the demons from my dreams and let them walk this earth i can't imagine ever feeling what you do  

purge

purge

 

15.7.2020

i can imagine happiness and i see it being ripped from my hands nothing's ever built to last

purge

purge

 

Two Choices...

I either find a way to forgive or I literally don’t survive this. I barely made it thru the day. Feelings of not surviving were really strong. It’s all too much to carry alone. I either let it go or I go. It’s all just building up. I think I might actually be at the end of my rope. 

Viceless

Viceless

 

Goodbye you.

Dear you, it’s been about five years now. You were in your thirties and I was 18 when we met. On our first date we had Chinese food and talked about ourselves, our families and the typical first date mumbo jumbo.  Then we went back to your place and Learned more about each other in the physical sense. This was the basis of our relationship. Sex. This was fine at first but let’s be honest, after five years of the same type of sex, the same acts and circumstances etc.. things quickly

Selma

Selma

 

The rollercoaster

Before I was assaulted I experienced depression, anxiety, happiness, All emotions that we all have experienced at one point or another. With  Depression, irritability and anxiety being common in the teenage years.  It wasn’t till after my assault I saw a drastic change in my mental health. Life became a blind fury of feeling energetic and wonderfully content, not a problem in the world. Then time would slow and I felt like I slumped down into the deepest depression I had ever felt in my life. Wh

Selma

Selma

 

Lost and Confused

A bit of honesty? A bit of truth? The fact is I am terribly lost in this huge world. I am surrounded by people but still totally lost. I keep trying to follow the rules but the rules keep changing. I keep trying to make a path to a happy life. There are all these...detours. And they can bring so much pain and hurt. They change the the path you were on. I want so bad to be free from this 'thing' that happened. Some days it doesnt even feel like it happened to me. Like that isnt possible

aperson

aperson

 

Thoughts on Living Through a Pandemic

The world was my oyster.  But now, it just seems like a deathtrap everywhere I go.  Ever since the panic of a pandemic swept the world, my PTSD symptoms have been back in full force.  And I have been sitting with myself through this discomfort to the best of my ability.  I have been listening to the aches of my body and treating it with kindness.  All of the tools I learned on my journey to come back home to my body have never left my side.  Until this past week or so.  Today has been the first

Indyrex

Indyrex

 

Am I Really That Bad?

Happy July, everyone! I know I say that like it’s the first of July and it’s actually the twelfth, but the month of July has been a blur and I haven’t quite gotten caught up yet. I was diagnosed with COVID-19 on July 1st and since then, I have done nothing but lay in bed, binge watch Grey’s Anatomy, eat trashy food, and sleep. I know it sounds like a luxurious vacation, but it’s only fun when your body doesn’t feel like your muscles were replaced with lead and you can actually taste the tra

Poppy_

Poppy_

 

Children...the tactless truth-tellers

My 11 yr old niece is taking a master class in this I believe. Example, I am person who is allergic to bug bites. I have been my entire life. When most people get a bug bite, it is a nuisance. They itch a while and move on. Bugs seem to be attracted to me though. They bite and invite their friends and I itch for weeks and blister. This means that I end up with horrible scars at times. I currently have terrible scarring on my ankles from flea bites over 2 years ago. They itch daily. My ankles are

aperson

aperson

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