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Blogs

1000 stories of me

28/07/2023

Today we talked about loads.  First of all I asked her about her question last week re whether in my heart of hearts I really thought it wasn't concentual, because I was confused about why she'd asked the question and what her thoughts about the events were.  But she said that she'd felt I was very much allowing other people's judgements to affect my views last week, and she just wanted me to get back to what I knew to be true.  She did ask me why it was important that she believes me, and I cou
1000 stories of me

21/07/2023

Today was incredibly hard, so much so I'm not even sure I want to type it out.  But maybe it'll help me to do so.  So we started off talking a bit about a dream I'd had about feelings relating to being bullied when I was young.  Then we started talking about the police and the r*pe and how they had said they weren't taking it forward because though there were signs of rape, there were also signs of consenual sex (I believe they were refering to when I organismed and I pushed his head).  But then
1000 stories of me

14/07/2023

Today was kind of a slow session, but strangely it made me really tired, so I was really glad I only had 45 minutes to work this afternoon.  We talked about a few things, about the guy who assaulted me on the tube when I was 16, that my mum basically didn't want to know when I tried telling her about it.  We talked about my mum quite a lot actually, how she treated me and my sister differently, and whether she ever felt guilty for leaving us in the care of the uncle who abused us (though I don't
1000 stories of me

07/07/2023

Hmm, today's the anniversary of the London bombings.  Random thought that just popped into my head.  At T today we talked about the shame I felt.  This goes round and round in my head and I can't seem to shift it.  I guess as my T said there's little point to it - it won't change anything, I can't go over and undo any of it.  And it's not like he feels shame.  So I feel shame because, well first I want to be clear that I had told him that I didn't want to have sex with him, and this was followed
A Weight Lifted

EMDR Episode 3: My CSA Memory

Specified Memory:  First memory of being sexually abused Distress level: 8 Memory makes me feel like no one cares about me. Worst part was looking at brother for help. No one helped me.  No one cares about me.  ________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Eye Movement 1:  Brother putting a blanket over me and taking off my pants. ________________________________________________________________________________ Bilate
1000 stories of me

30/06/2023

Today at T I was really sad about the stuff with my dad.  It's hard to think about it sometimes.  I find myself shutting down emotionally, going numb.  But today I was crying.  It's been a long time since I've cried.  I'm so restricted/inhibited now.  I keep everything in check.  My dad didn't physically touch me - he just did stuff in front of me.  But this is enough to have had a massive effect on me.  It's made me think of men as disgusting vile creatures, and of very needy weak people that a
InnerChild/ShadowWork

an observation

I've noticed I come here to vent most of the time, to speak the things I can't say out loud on a daily basis. Sure, I get some of It out on therapy but I can't go that often because of my income, so I end up coming back here. It's not necesarily a bad thing, but I'm wondering If I can talk about other things? maybe keep things light once In a while. That might be a good change.
sk8er

sk8er in Existing

0
1000 stories of me

23/06/2023

Had my second T session today.  We talked about all the other stuff other than the r*pe.  So the assault when I was 16, my dad touching himself in front of me, and being sexually abused as a very small child (which I don't remember - was only 3 and 3/4 when it came out) but that led to my mother being violent towards me (I was the one who spoke up and he ended up assaulting my mother for what turned out to be again - she'd been abused by him when she was a teenager herself, don't even ask how we
InnerChild/ShadowWork

So many flashbacks

So I got tested positive for covid a week ago--( I don't have It anymore though) and things have been really difficult for me. For context I was already feeling like I was In some sort of "lockdown" because I'd just quit my job plus my summer vacations had started, so all I've done Is stay at home. I kinda forget every now and then, that when I lose a routine I get severely depressed. (Like yes I'm already deressed, but It comes In a bigger wave when I stop going out). It's generally h
sk8er

sk8er in Heart thoughts

0
InnerChild/ShadowWork

Putting out fires

At home I don't feel at one. Let's be fair, I never will If I haven't by now, but should I keep putting out fires? I think I've reached a point where I don't know wether to choose to put out another fire or start to build myself a life, even if It's a slow one. If I choose my dreams, It'll be slow and I'll still have to put up with poor living, doubting everyday If I can stand It anymore, not knowing If I'll eventually lose my mind because of It. If I choose a home, I'll never hav
sk8er

sk8er in Existing

0
A Weight Lifted

EMDR Episode 2: My Earliest Memory

Earliest Memory: Walking on the concrete foundation for my future home and falling backwards.  My mom coming to pick me up.    Age: 3-4 Distressing Level: 0 Theme: A push and pull between wanting a normal mother and wanting her out of my life.   __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Movement 1 Mom coming to pick me up.  Everything was blurry because of my p
A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate

The Best Way We Know How

To anyone who needs to hear this…. ❤️   When we come face to face with trauma, Knowing what to do doesn’t exist. There are no answers as to why. There is no instruction manual or guidance. Some of us didn’t tell anyone. Some of us did. Some of us didn’t have a choice. Some were brave right from the start. Some of us took a while to get there. For some, trauma is new. For others, it is old but feels new. For some, danger still exists. But we all dealt with it
Capulet

Capulet in Blogs

2
A Weight Lifted

EMDR Episode 1: The Bee's Knees

Event Chosen to Focus on: Being stung by yellow jackets when I was 4-5.  54 bee stings.  Distressing Level 1-10 : 4 Worst Image: Me sitting in a bathtub naked in cold water alone crying and in pain __________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Movement/Focusing on Memory :  1 My mom left me in the tub alone and told one of my brothers to watch me.  There is a bee in the window.  I'm terrified of it. I scream
A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate

She sure didn't get it from me!

I'm both proud and disgusted with myself this afternoon. My daughter, who is a couple months shy of seventeen, texted me this morning, letting me know that she ended her relationship with her boyfriend of over a year.  They got together at the very beginning of December, 2021, so it's been a while. A while of this young man coming to my house after school every day, walking in and out as he pleased, eating my food, drinking my sodas, coming along with us whenever we tried to do a 'family' t
Capulet

Capulet in Blogs

3
Blah, Blah, Blog

Beauty from Pain - a slam poem

Sometimes I hear people talk about creating beauty from pain. About how art, and music, and poetry are best when they come from a place of hurting because there’s something so beautiful about suffering. I think these people have never experienced pain for themselves. There is nothing beautiful about wanting to tear your own flesh apart. I think that’s why we do it in secret. In places we can hide the pain because the beautiful kind of pain is pain that is tolerable in the minds of other peo
Poppy_

Poppy_ in Slam Poetry

0
A Weight Lifted

C-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

The newest book I've read.  A lot of good information.  Considering that C-PTSD is like PTSD but with the added caveat of ongoing abuse with the idea that the abuse is inescapable.  Adding hopelessness into the mix.  I definitely felt that way.  In this book, the author says that at the core of C-PTSD isn't necessarily the trauma itself, but the emotional neglect that comes with it.  In my case, my parents not believing me when I told them about my brother.  Having that confirmation that I wasn'
asparkofcourage

asparkofcourage in Education

0
A Weight Lifted

The Letter that made me Disappear

(Multiple lies) throughout this letter regarding time duration, the acts he committed, and not admitting to doing the same to my cousin as well. His (self pity) was overflowing.  The (manipulation) is masterful.  Poor childhood self.  You were so strong for handling this with the limited tools you had.  Thank you for pulling through the awful time period.                                                       M****** (Me),                I just received your letter last night when I got
asparkofcourage

asparkofcourage in History

3
A Weight Lifted

Mom and Dad

I've got some things to say to you both. Questions and general statements.  ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Why didn't you believe me? Why didn't you believe my cousin?  How could you not notice it? Or see my pain? Or protect me?  Do you know I almost killed myself several times?  Why would you think I'd lie about being abused?  Can you sincerely apologize to me?  What can you d
A Weight Lifted

Why Gary Why?

This is an excellent book.  The author, Jody Plauche,  was sexually abused by his karate teacher for over a year and then kidnapped for about a week.  His father, famously, shot the karate teacher on live tv in an airport.  This was Jody's story from his point of view.  He talked about the abuse, kidnapping, the murder and then the end of the book are chapters for parents and survivors.  He talks about signs to look out for, the way of thinking for predators and how to move forward from abuse. 
asparkofcourage

asparkofcourage in Education

1
A Weight Lifted

Emotionally Immature Parents

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.  By Lindsay Gibson PsyD.   This book hit home for me.  It gave me a lot of tips for dealing with the future talk I will have with my parents and showing me the unhealthy relationship that we have with each other.  The biggest take away from this book is me realizing the healing fantasy I have for my parents.  I act a certain way for my parents in hope that they will acknowledge and  take care of me.  I need to understand that with immature par
asparkofcourage

asparkofcourage in Education

0
A Weight Lifted

What Happened to You?

By Bruce Perry MD/PhD and Oprah Winfrey.  This book is like a conversation between the two authors.  Mostly, Oprah provides real life situations and examples and Dr. Perry speaks more technically about the brain.   A good chunk of the book is about a child's brain and how important it is to not f*** it up.  Though he does have one chapter on things you can do to heal yourself, it really mostly is "this is why you act the way you act" and "prevention is golden." He says the brain can't go back to
asparkofcourage

asparkofcourage in Education

0
A Weight Lifted

Memories, She told....

I spoke to my cousin about what she thought of justice.  She told me justice for her was me healing and taking back my life.  Why was she so invested in me?  I had no clue what she went through but now I know that she is my hero and the only person to show me unconditional love.  Here's some of what happened.  The first time my cousin discovered I was being abused was when she spent the night at my house.  She woke up to my brother on top of me, 'doing things to me." She kicked him off of me but
asparkofcourage

asparkofcourage in History

0
A Weight Lifted

An Awkward Encounter

My mom and dad came over yesterday and stayed the night at my house.  My husband and father were going hunting today early in the morning.  Last night, while alone with my dad, he asked me if I have talked to my brothers recently and which ones. I think he's catching on to me not talking to the oldest (my abuser). He's asked me that before and I've always managed to just avoid it but he was staying at my house so I couldn't deflect normally.  I just got him talking on his military experiences an
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