Hi, some of you know me. Some of you are too new to know me. I joined AS over a year ago. At that time, I was just entering therapy and in the throws of full blown PTSD to the max. I was also newly diagnosed DID. It was a tough time, and you guys and this place were all I had for so long. I clung on for dear life. I met some wonderful people, and I still consider each of you very special.
I had to back off of AS for awhile because the shear size of the place made it very overwhelming to me. I read too much, wasn't really aware of my own triggers, couldn't self manage my own triggers. I was wanting it, but yet I was really not ready for it. I found myself falling faster and faster and using self harm more and more. It was just too much for me.
Since then I have crept back in small baby steps trying to be very careful not to overload myself. I have visited the DID thread, participated in some of the games, and shared some on the self harm threads because now I have only cut twice since January 21st 2008. I used to know how many days that was.....now I don't keep track anymore. It's a long time.
Since I left AS I have been in the hospital 3 times. That sounds like such a bad thing, but each time was so helpful to me. The first time I learned a body seriously needs sleep!!! Even the best of us can go looney from lack of sleep, and I am living proof of that. I also learned I need to pace myself out, delegate, and not try to do everything because no one can. I have learned to take time for myself, give to myself, take frequent breaks, and pace myself. All good things for anyone. The second time was right after the first. I went to Timberlawn in Dallas Texas which is a trauma program run by Dr. Colin Ross. In fact he even leads the Cognitive Therapy group there twice a week. It was kind of neat meeting him, but he's just a regular guy. Smart and insightful yes, but really a regular guy. I began having my medications adjusted there. I'm still working on finding the exact right combination, but things got significantly better when they started trying a different medication. I also learned how much my self injury was hurting those around me. I was foolishly thinking that no one knew and some did. Of those that didn't know, I was unaware of how it effects them. How could something they don't know about effect them?? Well, it can. And most of all I learned what it was doing to me and how it was keeping me walled off and numb and stuck inside my own little world. I made huge headway on that while I was there. I had one fall back fairly recently where I ended up back in the hospital for self injurious behavior and desperate thought, but I sat in the psych ER over night and into the next day while they waited for there to be room for me, and I learned there, that I can now help myself, and I left.
Lately I haven't posted much because in April I started my own support forum which is for people recovering from trauma, but mostly the people on the site are DID. It's mostly a DID site, I have to admit, but we're not exclusive. It's for anyone recovering from trauma. I also started a blag very very recently, so both things have kept me busy on the computer. I still visit here from time to time and would like to try coming here again and seeing how it goes for me. I usually do best with smaller sites. Less chance for getting overwhelmed, but I now have learned to pace myself and better recognize and manage my own feelings and think it will be ok.
I came to the intro thread because I realize there are so many new people here, and if they see me posting will think, "Who is she???"
For those that don't know me, me in a nutshell (no pun intended):
I am 38, married and have 4 children who are now 12, 10, 8, and 5. Wow! How'd that happen! They grow fast. I am a teacher. I am certified in early childhood education (grades K-3) and special education (emotional/behavioral disorders). I substitute teach right now which is nice because I can work as much as I want or as little as I want. I do a lot of work with children who are autistic or have aspergers.
I am diagnosed as having PTSD/DID, major depression, and my therapist just told me recently that I have Borderline Personality Disorder as well, but I am trying desperately to prove her wrong. I'm a total picture of denial in action.
I have some medical trauma issues, I have been sexually abused by my father, some of his friends, and a significant other. My father is an alcoholic and drug addict. My mother is cold, neglectful, and abusive as well. I was raped on a date when I was 14. I was hit by a car when I was 5/6....not pleasant. We have various traumas to deal with.
Ok, so I've blabbered enough already. Thanks for being here. I have since seen and visited other sites, and AS is at the top of the list as far as I'm concerned.
Kelly (My user name here is Windy, but honestly, that's an alter's name and I really should change it. I prefer to sign as Kelly if that's ok.)