i don't need anyone to read this and i'm not here to feel validated for what I have experienced in my life. i'm to finally set it all free in one place; i need to set it free. i feel it chewing at me, telling me its time. the trouble is where to begin? i have gaps, like a lot of people here it seems. Some days i have less of them, maybe today is one of those days. My husband isn't home and i'm stalling... I was five. Just barely five, and he was older, much older. He was my mother's boyfriend at the time. He had drug problems but I didn't really understand what I saw then. I do now. It was getting warm outside again and I always slept in a oversized t-shirt when it was warm out. Foot falls, creaking wood floors and the old metal doorknob turning. He appeared one night on the edge of my bed. I woke up when he sat down and I slid into his side. His breath reaked alcohol as he leaned over me. He asked if I would be a good girl and help him. I nodded, he pulled the sheet away from me. I asked for it back and he said I had to help him first. His rough hands running up my legs, fingers raking away my underwear. I asked him not to, but he said I had to help him. I tried to get up, he pushed me down hard with his hand over my mouth and nose. It was hard to breathe. He told me to be quiet and still or he would kill my mom. I quit fighting so hard; the un-done belt buckle jingled as he undid his dirty jeans. He's on top of me. Nowhere to go even if I could manage to get away. White hot pain; deep in my gut that makes my stomach tie iteslf into knots. I can't breathe, or scream. He finishes and tells me what a good helper I am as he carries me to the bathroom, so I don't bleed in my bed. He half drops me in the tub and turns on the hot water. I walk slowly back to my room, I feel like he ripped me in half. I crawl into bed and pull the sheet over my head. My mother never noticed or said a thing to me about it. I still wonder if she knew or not. He came three more times before we moved back in with my grandparents. I need a cigarette. This shit stresses me out, but I feel matter of fact about it to some how. thats all i can manage for now. I know doing this is going to make the nightmares come but i have to be brave.