I used to drive 10 minutes out of my way to avoid the woods where I was raped. I did a lot of things to avoid triggers for many years. Now, I too search for them. It's a way to unblock memories that I've buried and need to confront in order to heal. I call it "facing the demons". To me its a way of getting some control. I say when and where the triggers will bring everything back instead of living in fear of them and avoiding everything. I don't think you're trying to make yourself not forget. I'm sure in your heart you know you will never forget, none of us will. I think you're trying to understand everything in order to deal with it and it's not weird or wrong. I was also not believed the first time I told someone so I understand how you feel. I sometimes think that it caused almost as much damage as the rape itself did. There are many people that would rather choose to not believe you or pretend that it doesn't matter than face reality and realize that these things do happen and they do matter. You are stronger than them and they wouldn't have been able to help you anyways, so you just have to keep talking until you find the right people to listen. God does not think you're a whiner and that you should get over it. I think He is sickened by the things that people do and by what was done to you. I also think he is amazed and proud of survivors like you, me and so many people here on AS that are working to overcome the trauma and refuse to give up.