Kez

Member
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About Kez

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    New Hampshire

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  • Website URL
    http://
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Recent Profile Visitors

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  1. It's been a long long time but signed in to take a peek it's amazing how much has changed!  Hope life is treating you kindly 

    take gentle care 

    Kez

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Kez

      Kez

      The same here you have often crossed my mind when I was away from AS. I to am forever grateful to have found the site and for those who were here when I needed them and never let me down. You were and are one of the special ones from that time. 

    3. kyukidojen

      kyukidojen

      Aw, thank you Kez.  You are definitely one of the special ones for me, too.  We saw eachother through a lot.  I know I can never repay those who helped me.  All I can do is try to pay it forward by offering my help where ever I can.

       

    4. Kez

      Kez

      I feel the same. This site and its people kept me alive and not so scared and alone. Life has taken some crazy twists but now that I've signed back in I hope maybe I can offer help and support and maybe some humor like the old days but a bit stronger in this area of my life. 

       

      I will I'll be back soon for now this girl is curling up clicking on an audiobook and ready for friends tomorrow unless we get buried with snow overnight. When I get used to the site I will find the PM's and catch up a little bit with you, are their many of the old gang still hanging around? 

  2. John it was extremely weird I signed in signed out they were there signed off then came back and they were all gone.... I'm using an old iPad I haven't been able to upload a picture to AS ever so a screenshot wouldn't have helped.... To be fair I was exhausted and thought I imagined the whole thing... They are gone now.
  3. Ok did I imagine the huge boxes? Cuz they are gone now?
  4. Maybe I'm paranoid but I think I'm gonna refrain from posting until I get an answer on this one.... It seems rather odd to me?
  5. What's with the huge boxes beside all the forums with what looks like a band that says Fogaze? They look like links? Tiny bit Leary about them?
  6. Thanks John totally helped
  7. Thanks Becky It's no big deal was just something that made me go hmmm no hurry or real importance lol
  8. I have the flower skin thing running and sometimes the flowers change colors sometimes they are light pink and now one of them is white idk if it's always been white I don't think so It's really not an important question just wondering...
  9. "I thought you giving yourself an ulcer would be that pivital point where you would realize you needed to take a different road and be almost over this" "my girl friend about 10 minutes ago" hmm yeah which road would you like me to take dear? The one back to denial? God I wish to f'ing hell i could find it again so i could sleep, stop the flashbacks and just plain not remember! so sorry it seems to be inconviencing you!!!!!!!!
  10. its just a stupid nightmare shut up and go back to sleep!
  11. Welcome
  12. It has taken me three weeks to get up the courage to introduce myself… I am 29... I have spent my life glossing over the fact that anything bad ever happened to me. Pretended it was only just a small fact of my life that it had no impact whatsoever. The truth is I have spent my life apart from the world never allowing others close enough to touch me or close enough to know anything about me. I had my walls built strong and I thought I had my memories locked tight in storage bins duct taped, with combination locks had thrown away the codes and then shoved into storage units. I wanted to believe everyone had the same boundaries and rules I had about people riding in the car with me and checking the locks and windows at night… I was just being safe! I became so good at keeping the memories away that I thought I would always be able to do so… My world crashed down on me in August of 2008 when some little gremlin found the codes to the storage units of my brain and started running around un packing the VHS’s of my past and popping them in at random. It started with a flashback that hit me out of nowhere, then the nightmares started, then the social anxiety that I had fought so hard to push away returned. I started cutting again I had been cut free since 2004, and then found myself sitting on a bar stool staring into two shots of Southern comfort… I had just celebrated 10 years of sobriety… I walked away with my sobriety but two weeks later I took a handful of pills and tried to kill myself. When I woke up the next morning I realized it wasn’t the answer and started this journey of trying to get better and looking at my past. Its been a year since that first flash back this has been hell, I have not had a goodnights sleep since this whole thing has started, I have the same nightmare over and over. I fought the suggestion of a friend to find a site for survivors, because by coming here I am admitting I may possibly be one of you. It took me days staring at your message board topics to even find the courage to click on one of them… Then once I did click on one of the forums I couldn’t even open one of the discussions, then I had to force myself to comment. I believe with my whole heart that you are all not to blame, that its not your fault, and I fear my feelings of guilt and shame and believing how disgusting I am somehow will imply I feel the same about you… So I am so fearful of sharing. Anyway I am trying with all my might to get past the fear to not let the memories the pain and the anger rule my life anymore to do the right thing and be a good “human” though I don’t feel like one most days. My uncle is dead. Therefore I believe my memories should be too. Or somehow I do not have the right to be so afraid anymore. Anyway this is me reaching out stepping outside my comfort as there are so many of you here… I truly have found this site helpful in the time I have been here so thank you for that….