• Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

About kyukidojen

  • Birthday December 26

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    Midwest, USA
  • Interests
    Martial arts, photography, writing, art, wildlife rehabilitation

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType

Contact Methods

  • MSN
  • Website URL
  1. Welcome to After Silence. I am so sorry you have a reason to be here, but I am glad that you found us. I think you will find the lack of judgment refreshing and the encouragement and support will give you strength.
  2. @Scared1, It's great to have you back. I remember you well. You've always been so supportive of others, and you were so open about your own struggles. A really valuable member. I've missed seeing you around. I look forward to seeing more of you!
  3. Hi @chant2012. It's good to see you. I've often wondered how you're doing. There are lots of new faces here, but also some old-hats like myself. I think the big crash scared a lot of us. I know I was really reluctant for quite a while to post things, but I've gotten past that now. The support is just too valuable to pass up. And I love helping out around here, too. Be safe my friend.
  4. It's been a long long time but signed in to take a peek it's amazing how much has changed!  Hope life is treating you kindly 

    take gentle care 


    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Kez


      The same here you have often crossed my mind when I was away from AS. I to am forever grateful to have found the site and for those who were here when I needed them and never let me down. You were and are one of the special ones from that time. 

    3. kyukidojen


      Aw, thank you Kez.  You are definitely one of the special ones for me, too.  We saw eachother through a lot.  I know I can never repay those who helped me.  All I can do is try to pay it forward by offering my help where ever I can.


    4. Kez


      I feel the same. This site and its people kept me alive and not so scared and alone. Life has taken some crazy twists but now that I've signed back in I hope maybe I can offer help and support and maybe some humor like the old days but a bit stronger in this area of my life. 


      I will I'll be back soon for now this girl is curling up clicking on an audiobook and ready for friends tomorrow unless we get buried with snow overnight. When I get used to the site I will find the PM's and catch up a little bit with you, are their many of the old gang still hanging around? 

  5. Please only read if you are safe.  Possible triggers.

    Hi Jenn

    I hope these two weeks are ok for you.  I have been spiraling down for some time and yesterday I kinda lost it when my therapist told me that she needed to make our appointments only once each month.  I had just told her that I was feeling very hopeless about ever getting the healing I felt I need.  I know I'm whining but I feel like no one wants to help or maybe no one feels like they can help.  I'm such a mess and bouncing from one t to another feels like my inside part that is so negative is right...I am screwed up beyond fixing.  I have hurt myself a lot lately.  And the thoughts have gotten dark to where I never wanted to be again.  Nightmares both tonight and last night.  Looking out the eyes of being little and being hurt and not knowing what they were going to do next.  And then there is a pastor hat that I wear that has to be looking good for the season.  If people only knew...

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. splitperson3


      Nightmare again losing my wife and daughter on subway and having young gang punks breaking into car of train and shooting me.  It was with blanks and they laughed at me when I recoiled in fear.  Ashamed and embarrassed that I froze in fear instead of fighting them.  "Be a man" one said.  

      Heart is pounding.  I hope I didn't yell and wake anyone up here.

    3. kyukidojen


      That's a horrible dream, Kevin.  I know the nightmare scene all too well.  I often dream that something is happening to Derek and I can't stop it; for whatever reason I'm unable to move to defend him. 

      You ARE a man, Kevin.  A courageous one.  Freezing up in your dream isn't something you need to be ashamed of or embarrassed by.  Dreams aren't reality.  I know that in real life, I would ALWAYS fight to the death to defend Derek or anyone else who was in danger.  My dreams don't know that.  I think the same thing is happening in your dreams - they aren't following what you would really do.

      Even if it WAS reality, recoiling in fear as someone very convincingly goes through the motions of shooting you, is certainly not evidence of cowardice.  Rather, it's evidence of humanity - we're not cut out to die.  We don't like it.  We want to avoid it. 

      I hope tomorrow goes well for you.  I'll be in your pocket, and thinking of and praying for you.

      Be safe.

    4. splitperson3
  6. Hi Jen.  I am not well.  Today I ran into a person from the past and the smile I got from them was the same smile that was there when I got hurt a lot.  I am ashamed and hate me so bad right now.   Sorry if this isn't supposed to be on here I don't know what to do.  I did call a hotline this afternoon.  I didn't even know that this person lived this close to me (1 hr away).  Or maybe they don't live there I don't know.  I feel sick

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. splitperson3


      I made it therapy yesterday.  It was ok but we are still learning about trusting her still so when she asked about having the parts inside speak to her and when she asked if I wanted to get rid of the parts there was a huge reaction within.  Sigh...she is still learning and so are we. I hope you are doing well.  No more blood being coughed up so that is a relief.  Lots of dreams last night again.  Take care Jen

    3. kyukidojen


      I am glad you made it to therapy.  It's hard, building trust.  But it is work worth doing.  I am also glad there is no more blood being coughed up.  That's a scary symptom.

      I'm sorry about the dreams.  It's not fair that you have to deal with stuff even in your sleep.

      I'll be thinking of you and cheering you on.  I know you can continue to be amazing.

      Be safe my friend.

    4. splitperson3


      Trigger Warning:  please read only if you are in an ok place.  I understand if you can't read or say anything right now.  I know you have your own hurts from your life and that it may be hard right now.


      More blood got me to go back to doctor for a ct scan and nodules were seen on right lung which appear benign.  Night before last several thousand dollars were wrung up on my debit card in fraud charges of phone purchases, airline and bus tickets, French wine and all kinds of other purchases by a person or people in the southern USA.  Fortunately my bank is covering the fraud.  It has happened a lot lately the bank said to me.  Went to therapy last afternoon and the part of me that controls inside, is very angry and is super critical of me came out.  I am so embarrassed and hopeless this night.  Just awoke from a dream of something bad that happened to me in real time when I was little and then in dream I hung myself at the church.  I hate me.  I really do feel bad about running to you again with this all but feel spinning out of control again.  I can't talk to my wife as she doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't believe in inside parts of me.  Just pray, please, if it is ok with you.

  7. At this time, there is no specific moderator assigned to this section. But that does not mean we are not around to help you. If you have questions or concerns, you can feel free to comment here, post in the Help Desk section, or send a PM to one of the board moderators. Board moderators' names can be found by scrolling to the bottom of the page and clicking on the purple "Moderator" link. Thank you for being part of After Silence.
  8. Hi Darren. Welcome to AS. I hope you find as much support and healing here as I have found for myself. To be supported and understood is truly beautiful. Take your time getting to know us. There's no pressure to share anything you're not ready to share. I'm sorry you have a reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us.
  9. Hi. i just saw that you are into martial arts, xo am I :) It took me awhile to be able to grapple cos i hate being touched but after nearly a year i love it. I do Kiado Ryu Martial arts with my 8 year old son. I have learnt so much about self defence and self discipline. I have just started teaching the new kids, mostly 5-7 year olds the basics and i love it.

    from Boop (Esther) 

  10. Welcome to After silence. I am so sorry you were hurt. The Share Your Story thread reared that you have 10 posts.
  11. Welcome! I am a cat lover too. I've got five. Furbis, Calliah, Bayleigh, Isobel, and Tabibito. They are work but I can't imagine life without them.
  12. Welcome. You 2ill find this a helpful place filled with support, understanding, and encouragemeng. Hope to get to know you more in the future
  13. Jus, welcome to After Silence. I am a section moderator for the Share Your Story section. Once you have ten posts of any kind you can access that forum. It is a safe place to share whatever you want to. I've been here at after silence for many years and can hoestlu say it'really helped me. Good luck and if you need help feel free to contact my via PM or any of the other modrrayptd. Welcome aboard.
  14. Buey, I myself have been through some extreme tr@uma on once in all the years I have Baan here has someone expresses discomfort in reading the parts of my story I've chosen to share. Welcome to as!
  15. Donna, welcome to After Silence. This is a safe, understanding, and supportive place. A lot of healing happens here, not just by being heard but also by doing the hearing. Take your time and don't feel pressured to post or say anything in particular. This is now your safe place, where you share as much or as little as you want. Welcome. If you have any questions, especially about the Share your story section (which I moderate) feel free to send me a private message.